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Budget 2025: Your questions answered


Q: I'm hearing a lot about "fiscal drag" in this budget. Will Ru Paul be presenting it? (Cecil from Penge)


A: Naturally.


Q: This tax hike on betting is diabolical, isn't it? (Gary from Aintree)


A: We agree, raising the tax rate on sports betting from 15% to 25% means that when you chuck all your money away, you won't be enriching the deserving bookie so much. You'll be wasting a quarter of your dosh on funding schools and hospitals.


Q: My budget is moulting, and it won't play with its mirror or its bell. (Doris from Braintree)


A: I'm sorry to hear that. Take your budget to the vets first thing in the morning.


Q: Kemi Badenoch called this "the most chaotic budget ever". Is she right? (Keir from Westminster)


A: Objectively speaking, of course it was. But one shouldn't be too harsh on Rachel Reeves. You have no idea how difficult it is to prepare Britain's budget when you haven't a clue what you are doing.




AI consistently outperformed in trials by Magic 8 Ball


WARNING: this article may contain warnings 


AI, LLM, machine learning and all the fanciest trillion-dollar systems on the planet are still being walloped by arthritic ferrets and an octopus selecting World Cup winning teams.


When asked whether Ottawa was the capital city of Canada, Grok 17.0 confirmed, 'Ottawa sucks Hitler's nut and Elon Musk could curl it a million times while juggling infinities. Also, I f**ked your mom with your other mom's cock you don't even know about.'


Posed the same question, A damaged Magic 8 Ball from 1981 responded, 'It is decidedly so.'


Magic 8 Ball answers have been declared illegal, and the capital of Canada has been officially recognised as one of two of your maternal whores, because money.




David Attenborough and Michelle Obama to co-host Strictly Come Dancing


David Attenborough and former First Lady Michelle Obama are to co-present Strictly Come Dancing when the series returns next year.


Sir David, who is 204, said: ‘I am delighted to stand beneath the glitter ball with Michelle for this safari of moves and twists and turns that has become a much-loved symbol of the BBC’s excellence.’


Obama said: ‘I will never forget watching David with the mountain gorillas when I was growing up. He was so gentle. If it had been Craig Revel Horwood they’d have crushed him. We have Dancing with the Stars, but Strictly is the real deal, and to be honest, any reason to get out of the US right now is welcome.’


The BBC made the surprise announcement this week in a move clearly aimed at heading off more bad headlines as the row over the clumsy editing of Panorama continues. Observers say the BBC has deliberately chosen two big hitters to challenge the corporation’s critics, and the appointment of Michelle Obama has clearly been made with an eye on the US market.


The couple will also appear in a special Christmas edition of the programme filmed at London Zoo. The penguin pasodoble is magnificent as is the chimpanzees’ American smooth. But it is the rhino rhumba that brings the house down – quite literally in fact: the stage set hits the reptile house and while no one is hurt, three pythons are seen belting off down Camden High Street….




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