People of Ukraine & Gaza forget their suffering

The people of Ukraine and Gaza forget all about their suffering - being bombed, shot and/or starved, and being generally f*cked about by Donald Trump and his arse-licking acolytes - in their ecstasy at learning that some singer (?) has become engaged to some footy player.

'My family have all been killed, I've been seriously wounded and my home and all my possessions have been destroyed' said one happy man. 'But hey-ho!  Who cares about minor inconveniences like that?  I couldn't be happier, knowing that this couple are set for a lifetime - or at least, a week or so - of wedded bliss.  I can't stop thinking them all day long, and at night as well, when I am kept awake by the noise of bombing, shelling and gunfire.'

Image credit: deep dream generator

Trump awarded Knobel Piece Prize

After an extended peacekeeping effort where he stopped upwards of twenty wars, not all totally imaginary, President Trump is to be honoured by Norway.  A select committee has been formed to instigate the Knobel Prize for piece.

'President Trump has been awarded the prize for ensuring he has grabbed, in his own words, any piece of pussy available.  On top of that he has strived to ensure Russia gets more than one piece of Ukraine,' said a Norwegian spokesman, adding, 'and he's a knob, hence the committee.'

Image credit: deep dream generator

Netflix to abandon movie titles

Streaming behemoth Netflix is to stop giving its in house movies conventional titles.

‘We don’t need to,’ said an executive, ‘because we sell all of our movies on star power. In future, our movies will have descriptive titles like ‘Action Thriller with Sean Bean and Dame Kiri Te Kanawa’ or ‘Weepy Sob Story with Pierce Brosnan and Queen Latifah.’

‘Our subscribers know that our movie offerings are driven solely by the movie stars. We don’t care about the script, the plot, the cinematography or anything else. It’s the stars that sell the movies.  We can take any dumbass script, sign up some movie stars by waving a big cheque, and it's job done!  No offence to Thursday Murder Club, obviously.

‘Now we won’t have to think up movie titles, and we won’t need focus groups to fuss over them.

‘There is an exception to this new rule. We plan to retain conventional titles for franchise movies. We will swoop in on any half-decent franchise if the Hollywood studios show any sign of weakness. If anyone is going to do Fast and Furious 77 or Rocky 101, then it will be us. In those cases, we can dispense with the stars because the title will sell the movie.

‘Critics say that, once the stars have faded from everyone’s memory, we will end up with a back catalogue of unwatchable movies.  But we don’t care about that.  We can always rent them out to the cheapo streaming channels like U&Cry or U&MacGregor.  In the here and now, we need to sell more and more and more subscriptions until we’ve taken over the whole world, and crushed Apple TV into the dirt.’

Image: Tumisu - Pixabay

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