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Trump resigns over Ed Davey snub

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The President has cut short his second term, all because the Lib Dems were a bit mean. The US has been plunged into a constitutional crisis because the mighty Ed Davey has said he will not attend a dinner with Mr. Trump – although it is not clear if he was invited in the first place.


Said a Lib Dem aide: ‘Sir Ed had been careful to choose the right moment to fight back against Trump’s Gaza policy. He could have made a speech or voted in protest but oh no – that would have been too easy! Instead he carefully bided his time by dicking around a space hopper for six months and then refused to eat his pudding. Nelson Mandela would be proud.’


Trump is said to be shell-shocked as no one had said no to him - ever (other than half of the electorate). When the US Ambassador was asked if Ed Davey had shaken America to its core, he replied: ‘Who?’



Trump imposes tariffs on imported thoughts and prayers

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United States president Donald Trump has addressed the latest school shooting by introducing 25% tariffs on all overseas sympathy. Trump believes that this will boost US manufacturers of thoughts and prayers which will be a huge comfort to the families and friends of the dead children.


The 44th US school shooting of the year so far prompted the new tariffs which Trump says will raise $2.4 billion in revenue over the next six months. This projection is based on numbers plucked out of the air but assumes an increase in mass shootings due to increased poverty, injustice and gun ownership, thanks to government policies.


The tariffs will only apply to thoughts and prayers being sent in connection with gun crime. Those being sent to anyone convicted of child sex trafficking will continue to be free of any tariffs. Not that anyone outside of the current US government ever sends any.



‘Institute of Winging It’ praises Reform

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The Institute of Winging It has announced Nigel Farage as their patron saint for bringing ‘winging it’ out of the shadows and into mainstream politics.


‘Back in the day it was just teenagers starting bands and middle class women opening cafes’, a spokesman said. ‘You know, the kids would buy a couple of guitars and a drumkit missing its cymbals and they’d sit in a garage for hours trying to think of a song. Once in a while they’d announce a date for their first gig before they’d written a note – lovely stuff. Or the middle class women would completely forget business rates in their financial planning and end up having to sell their cars. You know, winging it.


‘Reform have taken the artform to a new level. Abandoning ECHR without checking for the legal consequences is inspirational. Announcing they’re going to deport hundreds of thousands more illegal aliens than exist – that’s Winging It! And the candidate vetting! It’s just a pity Fred West isn’t still with us, he could be their Housing spokesman’.


The Institute has announced a gala awards presentation for 5th September, though they haven’t checked diaries, booked a venue or secured any budget yet. ‘It’s how we usually do things’, the spokesman explained. ‘Also, we wanted to get in there while they still have a few councillors left’.



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