Jazz gig will start 'whenever we like, man... this is jazz!'

Jazz purists have insisted that to be considered cool, jazz gigs must no longer provide start times for shows because jazz 'doesn't begin or end, it just flows'.

The policy has attracted criticism from slightly less cool jazz aficionados who now have to use vibes to estimate where and when the gigs actually are. These main stream losers run the risk of being insufficiently smug, should they miss out.

'I thought I was listening to some really avant garde stuff' scatted one, throwing his beret to the ground in disgust. 'Turns out it was a homeless guy clinking bottles of meth off the side of a shopping trolley and yelling at pigeons. I listened for 45 minutes. To be honest, I prefer the guy's earlier, less commercial stuff.'

Photo by Dolo Iglesias on Unsplash

New Homelessness Minister is the Big Bad Wolf

Keir Starmer said there was no conflict of interest with Mr.Wolf's private house blowing business. The PM confirmed that Mr. Wolf had his full backing and was not due to lobbying from the Anti-Pig League.

The new Minister reiterated his commitment to ending homelessness: 'I'll be reducing their numbers to zero by a one in one out policy. For every person made homeless, I eat one. Simple.' Labour are said to be keen to apply the same scheme to NHS waiting lists.

Starmer's corruption and hypocrisy has gone unchecked, admitted one journalist: 'We'll huff and puff but won't say anything.' Meanwhile Mr. Wolf has approved plans for 4 million new affordable homes - all of them straw.

Image: Wix AI

Trump to tax Americans to the hilt to show Putin who is boss

With the deadline for Russia to finish the war in Ukraine rapidly whizzing past, Trump has doubled down on the Russian President. He has ordered that tariffs (long spelling for import taxes) to be applied 'doubly, bigly and nowly' against non-existent Russian imports into the United States, adding to the huge hike in tariffs set against India for oil sold by India to Russia, presumably as long the oil is sold via the United States. Which it isn't, but hey-ho.

'We'll increase tariffs to one thousand per cent against anyone who says I don't understand how tariffs work,' quoted a spokesperson for the President.

Image: Newsbiscuit Archive