Two new political parties to join forces

Elon Musk's newly formed America Party has joined forces with Jeremy Corbyn's [Insert Name Here] Party, or INH, for short.

'We will be stronger together,' said a spokesman for the INH Party. 'We can learn from Elon's use of social media. And we can teach Elon about mobilising grass roots support and organising the proletariat.

'Our parties will have a special relationship. Jeremy has sent Elon a signed donkey jacket and we are hoping that Elon might send us one of his electric cars or perhaps a cybertruck.

'Jeremy has offered to share his deep insights into political failure. We want Elon to think 'What would Jeremy do?', so that he can do the opposite.

'Success is mission critical for both of us. No-one wants to go the same way as the SDP or Alba or Ross Perot. Reputations are at stake.'

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Starmer’s first year as PM: Unpopular decisions, delivered in a boring voice

After his first year in office, Prime Minister Sir Keir Starmer has reflected on his leadership with the kind of cautious optimism that only comes after alienating your entire voter base.

In a press statement, Starmer said: “It’s been a challenging year, but we’ve delivered stable, grown-up governance - by which I mean we’ve delivered cuts to pensioners, disabled people, and anyone who once thought voting Labour might improve their life.”

Despite Labour’s campaign promises on social justice, some critics have said that the current Labour government has managed to outflank the Conservatives on cruelty. One Tory backbencher was overheard joking in Parliament: “We wanted to privatise compassion, but Labour just went ahead and abolished it.”

The Prime Minister defended his record, saying, “Look, nobody said rebuilding Britain would be painless. We’re simply ensuring the pain is evenly distributed among vulnerable people who are unable to fight back.”

When asked if Labour’s plummeting popularity concerned him, Starmer responded: “Leadership isn’t about popularity. It’s about making difficult decisions and explaining them in a tone that suggests you’re deeply disappointed in the electorate for not understanding. Polls come and go. What matters is that we remain the adults in the room - even if we’ve locked the public out of it.”

Those close to Starmer have attempted to defend him by highlighted his ‘consistency’. One aide explained, “He’s remained consistently unpopular with the exact people Labour traditionally champions. That’s focus.”

As for his vision for Year Two, Starmer hinted at ‘further efficiencies in public empathy’, before telling reporters, “We will continue to hasten Britain’s decline in a way that sounds vaguely managerial and responsible.”

Cheating to be acceptable before Open returns to Turnberry

Organisers of the British Open have announced that the golf tournament could take place at Turnberry again only if cheating at golf ceases to be one of the most heinous crimes ever devised.  The Royal and Ancient explained that golf prides itself on its long history of self-policing etiquette and absolute respect for the rules, and those that break them are as socially unacceptable as women were in golf clubs until Gordon Brown interfered.

The statement by the Royal and Ancient follows a recent round played at Turnberry by US President Donald Trump during which the level of sportsmanship expected of all competitors while on the course owned by his family was explicitly demonstrated.  The British Open has not been held at Turnberry since Trump bought the course in 2014, despite him declaring it the best course anywhere in the world for caddies to carry lots of spare balls to drop on the fairways and greens in case his gets lost.  'The players all want to be at Turnberry,' Trump told reporters before his round which he completed without any penalty strokes at all, despite losing 24 balls.  It is understood that there were absolutely no instances at all of Trump kicking his ball into better positions during the round, so none of his playing partners needed to refer to him as 'Pele' this time.

Some members of the media considered Trump apparently cheating at golf was just the latest attempt to distract everyone from the Epstein files.  However, many golfers around the world regarded it as far worse than anything he may have been involved in with his alleged paedophile former best buddy, who he has never met.

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