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Olympics get sent to Coventry



The International Olympic Committee has sent the 2036 Olympics to Coventry.


'No, not the silent treatment' said an IOC delegate, from behind a pile of brown envelopes. 'Our new President's surname is Coventry, so I just thought we should just go with it. Olympic Games host cities are Tier 1 world cities, although it does sound like the Reliant Robin in Only Fools and Horses - Paris, Los Angeles... Coventry.'


'Coventry has a ring road and the Olympics have rings. Coventry is famous for that naked lady on a horse and in the Ancient Olympics many competitors were naked, so it all checks out. Nudity will certainly add a frisson to the show jumping for sure. Un-dressage!'




Government warns Newsbiscuit contributors to be extra careful if travelling to USA



It seems that the Yanks are detaining people from countries, which a few months ago it regarded as friends, but who now look at them in a funny way; or they imagine might; then sending them back home in chains, despite import tariffs meaning the cost of chains has gone up by 25%.


The word on the street, is they are likely to be examining social media posting histories from the moment their flight takes off; and anyone found to have posted something that could be construed as less than devoted to the MAGA cause will be met on the airport tarmac by a bunch of thugs and be treated like Hannibal Lecture-Theatre, until such time the Proud Boys and Oaf Keepers have finished with them, before being sent home on Ryanair.


Newsbiscuit sought the advice of Professor M. Odelmaker, who for the price of a pint of Olde and Filthye, told us it is less likely to affect pensioners, who are unlikely to be carrying them new-fangled smartphones, the system will be using to search their posting history on, but if helps to deter the wankers who block his local Waitrose aisles, as they gawp incessantly at them with, it can only be a good thing.




Avoiding Heathrow Airport Shutdown for Dummies

Updated: Mar 25



With the complete shutdown of a major international airport due to completely foreseen circumstances, many new measures are to be discussed at length and then not implemented, here are some of the better options:


• Four new “No Smoking” signs to be purchased


• The space saving “Stacked Power Back-Up Plan” to be reviewed. The aim was to build a third back-up generator on top of the existing back-up generator which was on top the main substation.


• Airport staff to unplug unused phone chargers to save energy in case of another major power shut down


• The new third runway will be able to be rolled up and put in fireproof box at night


• The reintroduction of wolves throughout the airport


• Risk assessments to be updated and maybe have the ones about being bombed by the Luftwaffe removed


• Candles to be used throughout the airport to reduce the annoying use of electricity and create a calming vibe


• Even though they are fun, have meeting about the real need for “Naked Flame Thursdays”




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