UK to install recording devices in your arse

After online censorship, onboard breathalysers, the next logical step is Rectal Freedom Plugs. RFPs will be inserted in every adult, under local anesthetic or three pints of larger. RFPs will be keep everyone on their toes, literally - it will be very uncomfortable to sit.

Sir Keir Starmer is the man with a vision and far too much lube. The RFPs will monitor all illicit behaviour - although many argue the vibration warning will act as an incentive not a deterrent.

They will come in a range of colours, but who would know. But you can upgrade to a cheeky fox tail antenna. Explained the Minister: 'Oh, it's not about tracking you, we just thought it would be funny.'

image from pixabay

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Two new political parties to join forces

Elon Musk's newly formed America Party has joined forces with Jeremy Corbyn's [Insert Name Here] Party, or INH, for short.

'We will be stronger together,' said a spokesman for the INH Party. 'We can learn from Elon's use of social media. And we can teach Elon about mobilising grass roots support and organising the proletariat.

'Our parties will have a special relationship. Jeremy has sent Elon a signed donkey jacket and we are hoping that Elon might send us one of his electric cars or perhaps a cybertruck.

'Jeremy has offered to share his deep insights into political failure. We want Elon to think 'What would Jeremy do?', so that he can do the opposite.

'Success is mission critical for both of us. No-one wants to go the same way as the SDP or Alba or Ross Perot. Reputations are at stake.'

image from pixabay

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Starmer’s first year as PM: Unpopular decisions, delivered in a boring voice

After his first year in office, Prime Minister Sir Keir Starmer has reflected on his leadership with the kind of cautious optimism that only comes after alienating your entire voter base.

In a press statement, Starmer said: “It’s been a challenging year, but we’ve delivered stable, grown-up governance - by which I mean we’ve delivered cuts to pensioners, disabled people, and anyone who once thought voting Labour might improve their life.”

Despite Labour’s campaign promises on social justice, some critics have said that the current Labour government has managed to outflank the Conservatives on cruelty. One Tory backbencher was overheard joking in Parliament: “We wanted to privatise compassion, but Labour just went ahead and abolished it.”

The Prime Minister defended his record, saying, “Look, nobody said rebuilding Britain would be painless. We’re simply ensuring the pain is evenly distributed among vulnerable people who are unable to fight back.”

When asked if Labour’s plummeting popularity concerned him, Starmer responded: “Leadership isn’t about popularity. It’s about making difficult decisions and explaining them in a tone that suggests you’re deeply disappointed in the electorate for not understanding. Polls come and go. What matters is that we remain the adults in the room - even if we’ve locked the public out of it.”

Those close to Starmer have attempted to defend him by highlighted his ‘consistency’. One aide explained, “He’s remained consistently unpopular with the exact people Labour traditionally champions. That’s focus.”

As for his vision for Year Two, Starmer hinted at ‘further efficiencies in public empathy’, before telling reporters, “We will continue to hasten Britain’s decline in a way that sounds vaguely managerial and responsible.”