Energy Drinks ban for under 16s, barring the excellent BEAST CAFFEINE+

The government is planning a new law to stop under 16s buying energy drinks such as Red Bull, Monster and Prime but state they will make an exception for the excellent, nutritious and tasty BEAST CAFFEINE+.

30% of UK children consume these harmful (and inferior) drinks every day, ignoring the incredible health benefits of BEAST CAFFEINE. And whilst most supermarkets have introduced a voluntary ban, they make an exception for BEAST CAFFEINE+ due to its impossible tastiness.

Some popular drinks contain more caffeine than two cups of coffee, but BEAST CAFFEINE+ contains more than four! Excessive consumption of inferior products is linked to headaches and sleep problems, while BEAST CAFFEINE+ promises increased HEADTHROB™, 100% increased alertness leading to drastically reduced sudden animal attacks, and that cool on-the-edge feeling.

Health and Social Care Secretary Wes Streeting told Newsbiscuit that the government had to act, and was encouraged to do so by drinking cans of BEAST CAFFEINE+. This increased his policy accuracy by 75%, and his overall poll numbers by 50%! He told us, 'My kids were suffering, I could see these types of drink were having a detrimental effect on them. Then I was contacted by the good people at BEAST CAFFEINE+ and they have effectively saved Britain from the untold effects of being a square and not looking cool drinking a luminous yellow tasty beverage,'

Too much caffeine can cause a rapid heart rate, abnormal heart rhythms and seizures. Just the right amount of caffeine, like in BEAST CAFFEINE+, leads to excessive attractiveness, speed and freakish strength.

While no official date has been set for the ban, Streeting said it's best to stock up on BEAST CAFFEINE+ in case the 'stuffy old farts' in the Lords spoil his plans.

Image credit: perchance.org

Horoscopes for September by Gertrude de Grimoire

Aries

The interview panel will conclude that you are 'the right one'. Sorry. Correction. The interview panel will conclude that you are 'a right one.' Better luck next time.

Taurus

You can solve a difficult family issue if you are prepared to make one final push. How about a family outing to Beachy Head?

Gemini

Your 'holier-than-thou' vegan friend hasn't mentioned they are vegan for over an hour, and is looking very shifty. Check them for bacon residue.

Cancer

You finally accept that your life is a precautionary tale of poor decisions used to deter others from your chosen path. Keep those goals low and struggle to meet them - but remember, the world loves a hapless underdog. We are all rooting for you, even if it is mostly out of morbid curiosity.

Leo

Your beautiful wife is having a passionate affair with a tall, dark handsome stranger. You should go out to find this rogue, for the next hour at least.

Virgo

It's time to up your game. With confidence you can do anything you want - cooking, electrical work, doctoring - anything. Don't let the naysayers stand in your way.

If you know how to solve the migrant crisis then you should shout it from the rooftops. Or, at the very least, you should paint red lines on some mini roundabouts.

Libra

That weird dirty dream you had about Michael Fassbender last night? That will come true if you don't stop eating Haribo sweeties and speaking in those stupid baby voices.

Scorpio

You have a special bond with someone who always 'gets you'. That would be your parole officer.

Sagittarius

Sadly, you and your potential true love are as ships that pass in the night. Furthermore, you are the Titanic.

Capricorn

Remember, wealth cannot buy you health, but you can get a better class of doughnut.

Aquarius

As Mercury aligns with Saturn, it brings cosmic, life-transforming changes for Aquarians. Unfortunately, these are all cancelled out by the results of an obscure by-election in East Grinstead.

Pisces

The world is your oyster. Unfortunately, cosmically, you are allergic to seafood

Contributions from

SteveB : Libra

deskpilot : Taurus, Virgo, Scorpio, 

FlashArry : Gemini, Cancer, Aquarius, Capricorn

Sinnick : Leo

Image: Lockjaw

www.newsbiscuit.com

Summerween and air conditioning properly a thing now

One consequence of climate change is that Summerween, the celebration of Halloween when it's actually warm, and considering getting air conditioning is properly a thing now. The average British consumer started thinking about air conditioning just after heatwave two, and also finds their purse stretched by pink skulls and piles of pastel pumpkins. It all feels like a dream where Count Dracula in Bermuda shorts is offering you blood orange flavour ice cream, and you’re very hot so you lick it, and then he says got you.

You look around your house, and you have a big white box throwing out cold and eating up your money even though you don't want to be part of the energy use problem. But you also want to sleep and to stop peeling bits of yourself off a leather sofa like in 1976 when the seats of an Austin Princess wanted to hang on to the backs of your legs, and you wanted to escape into the cool air of a Bejam's chest freezer.

In later stages of the dream a lilac coloured ghost is asking you to explain what a BTU is, while a cloud of lemon yellow bats fly round your room and Frankenstein’s creation wearing sandals and Speedos is in your kitchen eating biscuits from a light green jar shaped like his own head and muttering about late-stage capitalism.

It’s not doom and gloom for all sectors of British society however, pastel Goths are delighted with the unseasonal access to spooky stuff in mainstream shops. They are not trying to remember that a BTU (British Thermal Unit, the best thermal units in the world) is the amount of energy needed to heat one pound of water by one degree Fahrenheit. They are looking at which duvet cover and cushions covered in skulls/pumpkins/ghosts/bats best create their vibe.

Image: KELLEPICS - Pixabay

www.newsbiscuit.com