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Newsbiscuit Guide to the Kings of England

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William the Conqueror: Notorious for being a boastful pub bore: "I came to this country with nothing, but I pulled myself up by my bootstraps to become King of England!" No wonder the French called him Guillaume le Vainqueur.


Richard III: Suspicions were aroused when he turned the Tower into an Airbnb "with special rates for little princes".


Henry VIII: After five messy divorces, he finally saw the light and beheaded his marriage guidance counsellor.


George I: Got to be king after he sneaked in from Germany and placed a beach towel on the throne before the Stuart pretender had even made it across the Channel.


George III: Went mad for the last nine years so that future generations could have Regency furniture.


George V: Plagued by telemarketers, he changed his name from Saxe-Coburg-Gotha to Windsor "to be nearer the end of the phone book".


Edward VIII: Wallis Simpson came first in US competition "How to Survive the Great Depression" with her entry "Marry an English King".



Fall in Fertility Rates Caused by Rise in Ugly Men

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The United Nations has noted an unprecedented decline in world fertility rates, which directly correlates with a rise in unattractive men.


"In many ways, men have never been more fertile," said Upda Duff, the report's lead author. "A reduction in smoking and better diets mean sperm counts are high on every continent. The major issue seems to be their choosing to either look like unkempt vagrants with giant beards, or dropping their body fat so low they resemble a shrink-wrapped packet of chicken legs in the supermarket; and that's before they open their mouths to tell people their political-leanings or misogynistic tendencies. This is leading to revulsion by women, a condition known colloquially as 'clam-jam' and meaning they're more likely to spend their free time with a bottle of Pinot Grigio and a repeat of the BBC's dramatization of Pride and Prejudice."


"The report's conclusions are an unfortunate demonstration of our female-dominated world and I will reserve judgement on their feelings regarding male desirability until I've heard from Andrew Tate." said exactly zero women yesterday, or ever.



Fantasy Lands to visit or retire to - we help you decide.

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Tired of reality or the brutal dystopias served up by TV and film? Why not try a fantasy land to visit or even retire your thoughts to!


Of course, there are plenty of options available but only Newsbiscuit gives you the lowdown to keep you grounded on your flight of fancy.


Cloud Cuckoo Land


One word nowadays - overcrowded. People who come here tend to stay. Easy access, which is why it’s overrun.


Biggest plus – Ease of getting there.

Biggest minus - Not a great place if you’re wanting informed discussion. Increasingly full of people you disagree with, especially MAGA and Reform types saying you’re there but they aren’t.


We say: Skip this trip. Despite superficial similarities, at least Florida has the Everglades.


NB rating *



The Land of Oz


Much has been made of the very short working hours and the treatment of the indigenous Munchkins. However, we talked to one less content citizen with a face of a non-standard colour, who wished to remain anonymous. Journey there a nightmare but main central highway easy to follow. Absolute monarch, albeit loved by almost all the inhabitants.


Biggest plus - The Emerald City.

Biggest minus - Treatment of Wicca minorities and the songs.


We say: fine if the buildings are green, just not if your face is.


NB Rating ****



Never Never Land


More for the kids this one - a real adventure tourism hotspot. Inhabitants seem to be ridiculously young, without apparently any drug or surgical assistance. However, not the kind of sophisticated adult night life you might want with no restaurants or trendy bars. Some pirate activity on the coast. Transport also difficult. Treatment of indigenous Indians not great and sceptic adults have had an adverse impact on the fairy population.


Biggest plus: Less of an absolute monarchy than Oz or Narnia (although still no sign of elections).

Biggest minus: Night flights only.


We say: Drop the kids off for this one, although defo not at the similarly named Neverland ranch.


NB rating ***



Narnia


Absolute monarchy again but this time the ruler actually fancies himself as God. Generally good on diversity but treatment of Wicca practitioners not so impressive, nor for those fond of year-round winter sports. Transport straightforward once you’ve located one of the very limited number of portals. This was intended to keep the number of visitors down but there still seems to be a vast number of Americans, in particular, all complaining how it doesn’t look like the movies. Probably most in danger of war breaking out - was the Last Battle really the final one or will disaffection break out again as it has several times in its history?


Biggest plus: No flights required.

Biggest minus: Someone could put the “war” back into wardrobe at any time.


We say: The Lion King was better as a movie (the original animated one not the crappy 2019 rehash, obvs).



NB rating ***




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