Brexiteers slowly returning to the primordial soup claims leading anthropologist

A leading anthropologist has put forward the theory that people who voted in favour of Britain leaving the European Union in 2016 are gradually returning to the primordial soup where life is believed to have begun around 3.8 billion years ago.

Professor Tobias Dell said that within the next few years all Brexiteers will have returned to single-cell organisms where they will continue to exist in the primordial soup.

"Thousands of Brexiteers have already been spotted crawling on all-fours across the Serengeti Plain in Africa where the primordial soup is located," he told assembled scientists at an international geography conference.

"It's a bit like the behaviour of, The Skeksis out of The Dark Crystal when they all felt some strange inexorable force drawing them back to the place of their creation.

"It's my view, that by 2024, pretty much all of them will have been reduced to floating on the surface of the water gazing sightlessly at the sky, with absolutely no cognisance of the world around them.

"A bit like Young Conservatives in the hotel pool when they're on holiday."

A spokesman for the fiercely pro-Brexit, United Kingdom Independence Party, hit back furiously at the professor's remarks.

"Primordial soup? Never! We only have good old proper British soup like oxtail or cockaleekie in my house!"

Image: Pixabay/daniel_diaz_bardillo

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Tesla drivers overtake Audi drivers as the biggest pricks on UK roads

Thanks to the government-induced fuel shortage crisis, the ‘Tesla Tosser’ has overtaken the ‘White Van Thug’ and the ‘Audi Moron’ to become the most hated road user in the country.

Stories have been circulating in the press about Tesla drivers openly mocking people stranded in 15-hour queues for petrol or driving past in reverse, giving them the finger.

A sobbing Audi driver in Basildon who wished to remain anonymous said, ‘there was one bloke in front of me who’d queued for five hours in his Tesla. Then when it was his turn, he gets out his car, said he just remembered he don’t need petrol, creased up with laughter and drove off. Me and my mate were so shocked we had to stop fighting with a couple of electricians from Romford, and now I’m suffering from utter prick complex.’

A motoring organisation spokesperson Mark Kelly agreed: ‘They are utter pricks. Many of them have been pretending to run out of petrol and calling us up. As soon as we get to them, they say, ‘oh how silly of me, I quite forgot I don’t need petrol,’ and drive off. We caught one of them programming his car to play the Benny Hill theme when he pressed his horn. I hate them.’

‘We’ve all got our fingers crossed at the that the French carry out their threat and pull the plug on electricity supplies over the festive period.’

Image: Pixabay/joenomias

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Man shocked to learn he is tall after stranger points it out

A man has been left stunned after finding out he is tall.

'Big Mike', 39, had never thought of himself as tall until a complete stranger pointed it out: 'Suddenly the pieces fell into place. I often wondered why my trousers finished at my ankles, why I was always banging my head on doorways, why everyone else was so short. It was only when this bloke in the pub went 'blimey you're tall' I thought 'am I? ...yes, actually he might be on to something'...then it all made sense.

Everyone has been amazing, if I ever forget that I am tall, there is always a friendly stranger to ask me what the weather is like up there, it never gets old.

I finally understand why they call me 'Big Mike' - I can't believe I never realised before. Now I just need to work out why my other nickname is 'Sarcastic Mike', maybe I'll ask that friendly stranger to help me out with that one too'.

Image: Pixabay/mohamed_hasan

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