Free school meals for kids who volunteer for the army

Labour have unveiled their policy to tackle dwindling military recruitment, by treating the working-class like grouse. Called 'Feed the cannon fodder', the new initiative will put plump targets on the front line, which can be lured for the kill on the Glorious 12th - or any day of the year, really.

Said a Minister: 'There's no point in feeding up the little blighters, if all they are going to do is sit on the dole. They need to earn their keep, by providing bored artillery units something to aim at.'

Kids as young as 5 will be fast-tracked to the eastern front, to provide much needed relief for the current sitting ducks. For every ten free meals a school child will need to complete one tour of duty. 'There'll be no medals for the survivors but there will be pudding.'

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Outrage as woman forced to eat Spanish food on Spanish holiday

As the summer holiday season approaches, many Brits will be looking forward to getting away from the drudgery of moaning about the current state of the country and heading towards the sunny climate of Spanish resorts. However, holidaymakers have been warned to prepare to possibly be disappointed upon hearing the harrowing tale of one Tenerife holidaymaker who was forced to sample the local cuisine on her all inclusive holiday.

"When I go abroad, I don't want much" stated Eileen McKipling, 63. have a very simple list of things I want to experience; sunbathing, drinking alcohol, lying by the pool I never swim in, on a sun lounger I woke up at 6am to reserve, murdering I Will Survive on the karaoke and possibly getting a shag off one of the bartenders. The last thing I want to do is to sample the local culture, so you can imagine my shock when I went to get a meal and instead of having fish and chips I was served something called a Tortilla."

Eileen had hoped that this would be a one-off, but would soon be proven wrong "I thought maybe their cooker had packed up and they had to serve their own stuff, and I would look forward to a battered sausage or the like the next day. But no, once again we were given Spanish muck that I can't even pronounce. Just horrible. When I go on a holiday, the most adventurous I want to get is to go looking for an English pub when I fancy a Yorkshire pudding dinner."

"The worst part is when they gave me this awful soup they called Gazpacho. Clearly they couldn't be bothered to turn the oven on as it was stone cold."

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Internal Combustion Engine references to be phased out of political rhetoric by 2035

The use of the phrase “Turbocharging” in relation to policies is wasteful and unnecessary for everyday communication. By 2035, all government petrol and diesel engine political references are to be discontinued, and new electrical vehicle-based ones to be used instead, probably from China.

Instead of saying departments are “Firing on all cylinders”, government representatives will experiment with phrases like “rotating between magnetic fields” and “utilising electromagnetism to the max” so not to appear lame and out of touch.

In speeches, the use of “Supercharged” is only to be used in relation to fast charging electric vehicles, rather than a traditional mechanical compressor system. This will definitely not be confusing and will work out really well.

One of the issues with referencing electric motors is that instead of cool sounding kit like 4.2L V6 engines, they have rather pathetic parts, such as “squirrel cages”. This has not done well in focus groups and will therefore be used as much as possible.

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