Defence Review Promises More Peashooters to Isle of Wight

In a seismic shake-up to defence of the island, Defence Secretary John Healey today promised that the Isle of Wight would see an increase to its capabilities through the delivery of more peashooters and catapults.

At the Shanklin Home Armed Guard, platoon leader Captain Wilson was delighted to hear the news, remarking, "Currently our sea defences are Big John with a bucket of rocks. While he can thrown them impressively far, like past the sandbank far, being able to add the local Scouts and Guides as a second line of defence will be a further deterrent to anyone thinking of invading our land. We've had them keep the grey squirrels out for over a century now, so I'm confident any Russian Destroyers sailing through the channel will think twice before straying from the shipping lanes once they see Akela and her special forces keeping watch at The Needles."

The Isle of Wight navy were also overjoyed that their fleet would be faster after all the clothing gifted to Sir Keir Starmer by Lord Alli had been turned into sailcloths and used to upgrade the Sea Cadets' dinghies.

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Obese fans demand fat Dr Who

A group of overweight Dr Who fans says that a fat Dr Who is long overdue.

The leader of the group said, 'We've had a whole range of Doctors - old, young, white, black, male and female. And not one of them was packing extra pounds.  Tom Baker was quite chubby when he was in the Randall and Hopkirk reboot, but that doesn't count.

'A fat Dr Who would be a role model to overweight kids everywhere.  Which means most of the kids in this country, at least.  You've got to play to your core audience.

'We think that it could be approached playfully...the Doctor gets stuck in TARDIS doors, the TARDIS is bigger on the inside but not big enough, Daleks don’t recognise him on account of the weight gain, the Doctor can't use his sonic screwdriver with sausage fingers…that sort of thing.

'Other fan groups are arguing their own cases. Some want a Welsh Doctor, or a lactose intolerant Doctor, an invisible Doctor, a vegan Doctor, a Doctor with two heads and three arms, all sorts of daft things.  All in good time, we say.   All we’re asking is for Billie Piper to bulk up.’

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We'll make motorbikes right-hand drive again, Tories pledge

"For years, governments have kow-towed to the barmy directives of the European Court of Justice and accepted left-hand drive motorbikes on British roads," ranted Conservative transport spokesman, Terry Speedway.

"That's not only humiliating, it's downright dangerous for road users," Speedway continued.

"We demand that from now on, good British firms like Triumph and Norton make only right-hand drive models.

"And we'll also force filthy foreign imports like Vespas and Kawasakis to be right-hand drive, as well."

"The Tories are revving up the rhetoric on this because they're running scared of Reform," said Labour's Dirk Fuel-Cap in response.

"Well, we can run even scareder. That's why we'll be forcing all mopeds, e-scooters, push bikes and pedalos to be right-hand drive, as well."

Speaking from a Build-a-Bear workshop in Shepherd's Bush, where he was constructing an Evel Knievel koala, Sir Ed Davey said: "We in the Lib Dems won't be joining this race to the bottom.

"We want neither right-hand drive or left-hand drive motorbikes, but something in the middle."

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