Posh girl encounters something that isn’t “amazing”

Posh girl Chlamydia Buttercup-Sponge has astonished her peers by encountering something she didn’t describe as “amazing”.

”I was waitressing in organic vegetarian café The Rapturous Bean in Clapton,” explained the glossy-haired Sloane. “It’s not really a job job, just helping out a mate who owns the café while I decide what I really want to do. Which obviously will be a few years as an estate agent before I marry someone who works in the City, move to the Home Counties and have lots of kids and dogs.

”Anyway, this guy ordered some food, and without thinking I just said ‘Great’ and walked off to give his order to the kitchen. It was only later I realised what I’d done.”

”I was frankly astonished,” said disgruntled diner Jeremy Cockapoo. “I ordered the shakshuka with harissa and smashed avo and a goji berry smoothie, just like everyone else. Why wasn’t my order ‘amazing’ too?”

Image: Pixabay/luckylife11

London Tower Block Charity Siege enters Third day

Latest reports say Mrs Enid Sparrow is still holed up in her 7th Floor flat refusing to answer her door despite being surrounded by an estimated five to six Charity collectors.

According to neighbours they were first made aware of a problem when they heard banging on Mrs Sparrow’s door, men and women’s voices shouting through her letterbox, we know you are in there, make it easy on yourself, just sign the direct debit and it will all be over.

A close friend and neighbour said the hallway was full of people wearing Tabards and lanyards screaming at poor Enid, they had commandeered the lift and had people stationed on the stairwells in case Enid made a break for it down the stairs with her Walker.

Terence Smith Ogilvy, the newly appointed, £184,000 pa, Director of Donations of one of the many London based Charities explained that door to door collecting was essential for many charities, it’s our life blood, it’s how we can afford to be based in posh London addresses and how we can put on Team building exercises for our UK regional teams in Nairobi, like the one I am attending next week after our AGM in Monaco.

Charity collector Ben, who is on a gap year before joining his father’s stock broking firm, explained that he and many collectors like him are reliant on the commissions charities pay them for harassing people in the street or better yet, their own homes.

According to Ben, the arson attack on Sir Kier Starmer’s property recently had Charity collection written all over it. Some of those lads collecting for that London Hospital don’t mess about, it’s a gentle tap of the door, a polite request for funds and if it’s a No, two minutes later, Fire Engines are arriving or the family Dog goes missing.

A Spokesperson for the  local Police said , as yet no crime had been committed but that they will shortly be despatching officers to the said address to offer Mrs Sparrow tickets for the upcoming Police Charity ball.

Image: Pixabay/tumisu

Forecasters say that drought fears are overdone

Met Office weatherpersons are confident that, despite the current sunshine, rain will follow soon.

It’s obvious, said a spokesperson.  It’s nearly Wimbledon and cricket starts soon.  It stands to reason that it’s going to rain.’

Records going back 140 years show that it always rains on Wimbledon, and it always rains on cricket.  Statisticians see a strong correlation between heavy rain and England’s international cricket matches at home.   And there is a similar correlation between heavy rain and the seeding of England’s tennis players at Wimbledon. The higher the seeding, the more likely the rain.

The forecasters are not confident about rain for the one-day international match against Zimbabwe, but they reckon that rain during the matches against the Windies is a dead cert.

For Wimbledon fortnight, they point out that, despite some recent setbacks, Jack Draper is on passable form and fairly likely to make it to the second week of Wimbledon. This increases the chance of bad weather a lot.

The Met Office weatherperson, who we met in Wetherspoons, added that it wasn't his usual haunt, but he was having a pint there, so he could nick some spoons to repair a damaged anemometer, for which, he said, Wetherspoons spoons are excellent.

The weather person added, ‘the weather always likes to spring surprises. Our analysis shows that rain is more likely when English players are on the outside courts. As soon as they get onto a court with a roof, then rain becomes much less likely. Although everyone should expect to suffer from a significant depression centred on Wimbledon towards the end of the second week.’

Hat-tip Modelmaker

Image: Pixabay/Photorama