One in, one out policy doesn’t apply to animals

The Home Office has confirmed that the one in, one out policy for asylum seekers will not apply to animals.

A recent test case involved a foreign asylum seeker called Noah, who arrived in a small boat with lots of animals. Two of each kind of animal, in fact.  Officials considered deporting some of the animals under the one in, one out policy, but lawyers advised that this could be considered inhumane. They considered deporting Noah, but they didn’t fancy looking after all the animals. ‘That boat is pretty smelly,’ confided one Border Force official.

A spokesman said that the Home Office always kept its policies under review and that, although the agreement with France did not appear to extend to animals, it was arguable that it should. However, for the time being, Britain is not prepared to take a case to the European Court in order to get a definitive answer.

image from pixabay

Home Office announces new 5 Star Migrant Hotel experience

Home officials have announced that whilst most migrant hotels will close over the coming months, a new 5 Star migrant hotel experience will be available for 'our most special guests'.

"Whilst we are trying to shift focus away from the political and actual cost of the small boats", said Jez Danworth, a home office spokesperson, "we are today announcing a service for migrants that come across on massive boats with significantly more resources than those that came before."

Mr Danworth detailed the service that, when the massive boat gets into UK waters, will include a meet and greet with a named Government official; a 5 star hotel experience (including a Spa and wellness service); preferential tax arrangements on all UK investment; and a 'look the other way' policy for some of the migrants more 'earthly needs'.

The service is likely to be available before Christmas and, due to increasing demand, has been made available to our neighbours from the west as well as the east.

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US concern as Whitehouse found listed on Rightmove

'I knew Trump had ordered some modifications,' said a US government spokesman, 'but I hadn't anticipated him listing the Whitehouse for sale'.  The Rightmove listing describes the building as being 'ripe for updating' and 'suitable for a keen DIYer'.  The listing asks for offers in the region of '$20 billion' and says 'Bitcoin preferred'.

'It's suffered some structural damage in recent days,' noted an estate agent, 'but it's recently had an updated patio area.  The internal decor is considered a tad garish, but easily rectified,' he added.

'I was considering putting in a low-ball offer,' said a Wigan-based property developer, 'but I've heard some very negative reviews about Washington DC from none other than the US President,' he said today.

image from google gemini