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Child still has unopened Easter Eggs

In a miracle worthy of Jesus himself, 9 year old Simon Johnson of Milton Keynes still has 5 unopened Easter Eggs.


Parents of the prissy pre-adolescent, Gary and Dawn, have been left scratching their heads in disbelief.


"He had 7 Easter eggs," Gary told our reporter. "A big one from us, one each from Dawn's mum and dad, and one from my mum, and three from his different uncles and aunts."


"He spent all of Easter Sunday eating chocolate, with a break for half an hour to complain about a tummy ache and then another fifteen minutes of vomiting... and he still has 5 unopened eggs left. It's a bloody miracle. It's like the loaves and fishes thing all over again. We have no idea how he does it. He must be some sort of Messiah. He only finished his last selection box last Tuesday."



High street banks to replace glitchy apps with 'Psychic Spending' to save customers hassle

Following the total disappearance of physical branches and the ongoing 'unexpected downtime' of mobile apps, the banking sector has announced its most innovative transition yet: Pre-Cognitive Wealth Management.


'Our customers have made it clear that they find traditional banking too slow and digital banking too functional,' said a spokesperson for the British Bankers' Association. 'By moving our operations onto the astral plane, we can provide a service that is both deeply personal and entirely unavoidable.'


The new system, dubbed 'Third Eye Finance', involves a circle of vetted mediums based in a darkened basement in Swindon. These 'Intuitive Account Managers' monitor the cosmic vibrations of customers to identify spending needs before the customer even feels the urge to tap a card.


'We sensed that one customer in Leicester was about to enter a period of profound emotional emptiness,' explained a Lead Oracle. 'Rather than waiting for him to waste money on a gym membership he wouldn't use, we took the initiative and debited his account £400 for a vintage taxidermy badger and sixteen crates of artisanal gin. He hasn't thanked us yet, but we know he will in 2029.'


Critics have pointed out that 'Psychic Spending' seems to result in most accounts being emptied within minutes of payday. However, the industry has dismissed these concerns as 'negative energy' and 'a failure to manifest abundance'.


'The old system of "speaking to a human" was outdated,' the spokesperson continued. 'Under the new model, if you have a query, you simply light a sandalwood candle and wait for a sign. It’s exactly like our current telephone banking, only the hold music is the sound of a distant tibetan singing bowl and there’s a 40% higher chance of actually getting through.'


scottfutile




Unemployed Arkansan surprised to find himself appointed Attorney General



Unemployed Arkansas man Dave Goober was surprised to see on Fox News that he’d been appointed Attorney General of the United States.


”Ah thought they must mean some other guy,” Goober told reporters, “until the motorcade turned up outside mah trailer.”


A White House statement described Goober as “a great guy with strong experience, known for his attention to detail”, though Goober admitted he wasn’t sure why he’d been fired from the chicken shop where he used to work. It also said he had “extensive experience of America’s justice system, albeit mostly from the point of view of a suspect”.


It concluded by describing him as “the perfect replacement for Pam Bondi”, at which Goober grinned and said “Ah liked her, she was hot!” and put his hand down the front of his dungarees,


However, Trump later posted on Truth Social that of course it was a mistake and Goober wasn’t their pick for Attorney General.


”No, he’s the new Chief of Staff of the army.”


image by Grok

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