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Buckingham Palace announces new ceremony: Trooping the Suspect

In a brief official notice, cable-tied to the palace gates and laminated against a light drizzle, Buckingham Palace confirmed the creation of a new ceremonial fixture: Trooping the Suspect.


A palace spokesperson clarified its historic significance.


“This marks the first royal suspect processed with full pageantry since Charles I was arrested by parliamentary forces,” they explained. “The principal difference being that, this time, Andrew Mountbatten-Cell Block H has been arrested by police forces."


Plans reportedly include a precision fly-past of discreetly tinted private jets, a 36-gun middle-finger salute, and commemorative merchandise ranging from souvenir solid-gold handcuffs to a commemorative limited-edition ‘Keep Calm and Await Charge Sheet’ tea towel.


The Household Cavalry are rehearsing a new drill formation spelling out “No Comment”, and street parties are encouraged, though attendees are advised to bring their own awkward silences.


The spokesperson also confirmed that further ceremonial elements, such as a public execution to boost tourism, will depend on “how things develop legally”.



Tramp awarded university degree after kipping in library

Brian, 53 (but looks 70) has become the first homeless person to be awarded a degree by the University of Padgate after spending five years sleeping in the Social Sciences section.


‘We checked the regs’, a spokesperson told us ‘and Brian’s time in the library could be APEL’d, which took care of year one’. APEL – or Accreditation of Prior Experience and Learning – is university-speak for cheating. It’s like Dark Matter but for qualifications.


‘He had to write assignments for years two and three but they weren’t bad. Okay, his academic writing could be better and he sometimes uses BBC Bitesize as a reference – but that’s true of most of our students’.


Brian’s dissertation – Girls Today: Highly Disappointing – was framed as a ‘lived experience narrative’ using swear words and graffiti in place of conventional sentence structure. It has been placed in the Restricted Reading section of the library.


Brian has had his critics at the university – mostly the security staff, really. Also his habit of constructing ‘book caves’ continues to irritate the librarians as it might set a bad example for the other sociology graduates sleeping rough there. Many students consider him an ‘inspiration’, given that he experienced despair, homelessness and poverty before attending university - whereas for them those are all in the future.



HR managers welcome the Fire Horse in 2026

"2026 will be the most auspicious year ever for us human resources managers," said a spokes-slug for the industry association, "because it's the year of the Fire Horse.


"The Fire Horse will clip clop across the UK's factory floors and offices, firing anyone who has just started a family, or who has had a bereavement, and replacing them with AI bots.


"Then the Fire Horse will accidentally set light to their redundancy cheques so we don't have to pay them off.


"Eventually, no one will be employed by UK firms apart from HR managers, and we'll have all the money.


"But if the Fire Horse even thinks for a second of firing one of us HR people, it'll be off to the lasagne factory before its hoofs can touch the sodding floor."



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