Farage incensed that he's running against a joke candidate

'Nigel wasn't surprised when Labour pulled out of the by-election,' said a Reform spokesman.

'The Tories chickening out was a no-brainer,' he said, 'because we hold the brains of the Tory party here,' said, admitting that Lee wasn't included.  Nor Suella, to be fair. 'And don't draw any conclusions about Honest Bob until after the NCA ivestigation,' he added.

'We thoroughly expected the Lib Dems to refuse to stand.  Nobody in Clacton wants to care about people, that's why they voted for Nigel.  And don't bother sending Zack around, this is hardly Brighton,' he ranted.

'But pitting a joke candidate up, that is beyond the pale,' he said, holding up a picture of Lawrence Fox.  'A bin, sure, bring it on.  Nigel will stub his cigar on him, but Fox?

'What a joke'.

image from grok

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Prominent Youtuber Explains Current Heatwave

Youtuber Arthur Brain has posted a video explaining to his three million subscribers just why the third heatwave of the UK summer is proof that his theory is correct and the bunkum about global warming spouted by 'scientists' is pure fantasy

Brain, 19, maintains that the sun has actually been moved closer to Earth by God because too many people moaned about the cold.

'It's obvious' he said, 'The sun was a safe distance of 93 miles from Earth and has been moved 5 miles and is now only 88 miles away. Try looking at it. You can't, can you? It appears so much brighter than it used to be. Scientists claim that it is 93 MILLION miles away. How absurd. Do they really think it would be visible from 93 million miles away? 

And how on Earth could they measure that distance? They must think we're stupid. To see it from 93 million miles away you would have to at least use a telescope and crane your neck. The ONLY way to get God to put the Sun back in its usual place is to pray to him begging forgiveness for scientists, and to send me money in order that I can continue to expose the lies.'

image from Google Gemini

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Champagne cans divide Wimbledon committee

The sound of champagne corks popping at Wimbledon can annoy the people trying to play the tennis. Watching tennis is thirsty work because of the heat, and the long games, and it's very sweaty when they close the roof. So it's understandable that spectators are keen to snag a couple of magnums of Moet, or Bolly. Or to sneak in a bottle of Waitrose ornery.

The All England Tennis Club is dealing with a number of complaints about popping corks from players. They say that it's hard enough to win the four million quid as it is, and that the sudden explosive noises definitely challenge the concentration. No-one like to work against something that sounds like gunshots. 'It can make you think that Trump must be in,' said one organically seeded player.

One possible solution has divided the committee. Revered champagne maker Mumm has offered to supply vintage champagne in cans, with a pull tab top, just like Bud Lite and Pepsi. These can be opened discreetly with a low-decibel high-frequency 'pffft!!!' sound that cannot be picked up and commented on by Claire Balding.

Half the members are aghast, and say that you might as well sell strawberry flavoured Opal Fruits instead of real strawberries. They contend that firing corks at the other debenture holders is quintessentially Wimbledon, and that a standard size bottle of 'poo is the minimum acceptable quantity, although a magnum (not the ice cream) is often preferred. All agree, however, that a Nebuchadnezzar is over the top and likely to cause injury if you drop it while holding it aloft and glugging from it.

The other members believe that, although it's obviously an abomination, you have to move with the times, and that the TikTak generation probably believe that canned champers is their god given right. They believe that selling official Wmbldn canned fizz is better than players sneaking it in, in return for backhanders.

Insiders say that, although further internal discussion is clearly required, canned champagne could be on sale at Wimbledon as early as 2039.

image from Google Gemini

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