Private parking pirates update their rules

Private parking firms have crossed their fingers behind their backs and promised to update their code of practice.   The pirates have acted after receiving bad press about ‘rip off’ charges, including a £1,906 bill because a motorist couldn’t pay for lack of a mobile phone signal.

The new code (which the pirates admit are ‘more what you'd call guidelines than actual rules’) will be amended as follows:

1. Private parking firms will no longer be allowed to seize cars in lieu of unpaid parking. In future, they will be able to remove up to two wheels and/or wiper blades and/or wing mirrors, as a contribution towards full payment for parking fees and penalties. Any cars that have been crushed due to parking violations should be returned to their owners promptly.

2. Private parking firms will not be allowed to paint out parking bay markings while a car is parked there in order to issue a fine.

3. Private parking firms will no longer be allowed to hold family members, friends or work associates hostage in order to secure the payment of parking fees and penalties.

4. Private parking firms will not use jamming equipment to interfere with mobile phone signals.

The industry has warned that the changes will damage UK growth.  Economists estimate that these changes will reduce UK GDP by between 0.3 and 0.7 percentage points.

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PM to 'unleash AI' as soon as someone explains it to him

An excited Starmer insisted that he had a secret plan to stimulate growth, so secret that the details of it still eluded him. His spokeswoman explained: 'All AI images have six fingers. Thi of it, six fingers! That's a 20% increase in fingers, right there.'

'AI can paraphrase an inaccurate Wikipedia page in seconds, saving you hours of plagiarism and fake claims. All lying will be 100% quicker and than fact checked by AI.

She continued in a celebratory mood : 'This will generate 13,000 new jobs, by helping cut 100,000 old jobs...what? Hold on, that can't be right? 13 minus 100 is...no, no, no....that would be a disaster. Can someone get me a calculator or move a few zeroes around?'

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Man volunteers to be “fat stomach” on BBC news

An out of work actor has suggested he would make an excellent “fat stomach” to be shown on the BBC News whenever they cover a story about obesity.

Colin Sandwich, who says his corpulence has prevented him having the acting career he might have, feels he would be ideal for this role.

”I was never gonna be Mr Darcy, I know that,” said Sandwich today. “I mean, who’d pay to see this wadin’ out of a lake in a clingy wet shirt? I wouldn’t wanna see it meself.

”But illustratin’ risin’ rates of diabetes, the cost to the NHS of weight loss drugs, or whatever? I’m there. Show me the doughnuts.

”And frankly issa disgrace the way the BBC just film random fat people in a shoppin’ centre. Thass takin’ work away from trained professionals, that is. No wonder I can’t make a livin’.”

However his wife Jeanette Sandwich pleaded with the BBC not to hire him for this, saying his only motivation is to be able to claim junk food as a business expense. 

“Believe it or not, I cook him healthy meals all the time. Which he eats, and then goes and has a McDonalds afterwards. It’s only gonna get worse if the junk food’s basically free.”

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