Tories! With effort, we can do worse!

Conservative insiders are disappointed that the party’s results are not as bad as they could have been.

'Kemi and the rest of the party has done everything possible to be utterly useless, but it seems that’s not enough for the voters.’ said a spokesperson. 'Third and fourth places aren’t good enough. We are fighting to be at the bottom of the vote. Ideally, we’d be just ahead of Count Binface – we do have some standards - but we’d accept last place with good grace.

'We are disappointed that a bunch of amateur ragamuffins and chancers can get a better result than professional, self-serving and venal ragamuffins and chancers.

'If the results had been worse, then we could have had another leadership election. We love doing those. It’s politics where the winner is more or less guaranteed to be from the Conservative party. And it’s lots more fun than doing constituency work, or being on select committees, or having to turn up in the House of Commons to be razzed by Keir Starmer.

'We will regroup, and we will reflect on what more we can do to piss off the voters. We will obviously be watering down our work in Parliament. Keir can do whatever he wants anyway – the media only cares about the USA and Donald Trump at the moment. And we need more millionaire backers – indolence and gross moral turpitude is just as costly as doing politics properly.

'We might just lie low and try to cook up a dodgy deal with Reform. We like Reform. We know what they’re thinking.’

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Jenkyns to recapture Britain's 'glorious past' by getting back in the kitchen

Political migrant Andrea Jenkyns has celebrated becoming a Mayor for the second party of her career by announcing a campaign to 'reset Britain to its glorious past'. A party spokesperson has clarified that this means that, as a working class woman, she will immediately be resigning her seat as an MP and her right to vote, and going back to work as a kitchen maid. Whether Ms Jenkyns will also be confined to a workhouse for having a child out of wedlock is not yet known.

'Andrea is keen to recapture the spirit of Empire' continued Sir Arthur Notwithstanding 'which kept foreigners in their place, i.e. foreignland, and oiks like her firmly in theirs - scrubbing floors and dishes, possibly in a slightly saucy outfit. Excuse me one moment.'

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Kemi Badenoch vows not to make pact with Reform UK until she does

Amidst calls from several members that the Conservative Party should consider merging with Reform UK to reclaim lost voters, Kemi Badenoch has stated 'I am in no way considering nor ever will consider making a deal with Nigel Farage, until I inevitably do'

In response to the speculation that the Tories, who are suffering badly in the polls, would inevitably end up try to make a pact with Reform UK. Badenoch told the Daily Express (which she recently noted is her preferred method of communication) that this is not the case until it is.

'The Conservatives are struggling right now, absolutely' she stated in the front-page splash 'but we've still got four years to try and regain the confidence of our voters and the public, so there's absolutely no need for us to go cap in hand to Farage, who I personally think is a loud-mouth reactionary. That is, of course, until we fail miserably to regain the confidence of our voters and I decide we've got no choice and do go to Farage, who by then I'll have decided is speaks a lot of common sense'

Deputy Leader Robert Jenrick, who supported a potential coalition until Badenoch ordered him not to make such idiotic statements until she was saying them too, commented 'Kemi is a bold, determined leader who has made a promise that is set in stone, and it'll stay that way until she decides to smash that stone with a metaphorical hammer and carve a new promise totally going against the one she originally carved which is now lying in pieces on the floor which the cleaner can take care of afterwards. If Kemi says there's going to be no coalition then they'll be no coalition, that's a guarantee... just like she recently guaranteed me that if she does merge the parties even though she's promised she definitely won't then Nigel Farage won't take my job, unless he does. Actually, now I'm thinking about it, should I be worried?'

Sir Keir Starmer has also weighed in, claiming that a Conservative-Reform coalition would be an 'absolute disaster for the UK, maybe even more than the one that's in charge right now'.

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