USA shows restraint by bombing rather than eating schoolgirl

The latest Gulf War is all about a growth mindset and controlling our Epstein urges. Said a psychologist: 'I'm really proud of the valuable work the US has done, an illegal war of agression is such a step forward from satanic pizza parties.'

One US General boasted: 'Current casualities are ratio of 1 soldier to every 50 girls. We're clearly winning the war on schoolgirls. If we knuckle down Iran will run out of kids, long before we run out of cannon fodder.'

President Trump would normally struggle to keep his hands off this many vulnerable girls, but it's much harder to do under so much rubble. Instead he showed great restraint by killing all of them inatead of fondling them, which Melania said is preferable.

US resort to shooting down their own planes

In the absence of RAF planes operating in the region, the US have resorted to shooting their own planes down.

'As a matter of principle we prefer to shoot down Allied aircraft, but with only Israel taking part it's difficult. We wouldn't dare shooting down one of Bibi's,' said a US spokesman.

'We're hopeful the UK will join us soon, as we're running out of our own planes to down,' he added.

A bible reading from the Book of Epic Fury

And it came to pass that Israel, spoilt child of America, waxed exceeding wrath at the Persians and smote them with all the stuff that America had given them.

And lo, they slew the supreme leader, whereupon they and their sugar daddy Donald fell to gloating and cackling whilst amongst the chief Persians there was a wailing and a gnashing of teeth.

And then the Persians waxed wrath and smote all the countries around them which were America's allies - which wasn't the plan. Verily, it was not the plan at all.

Then the neighbouring countries waxed wrath at America and their batshit crazy leader Donald, saying unto him:

'Behold the state of these luxury hotels which the Persians smote in retaliation for you smiting them.

'Who in the name of arse is going to stay in them now? You've totally ruined our tourist industry, you demented monkey boy.

'Now sod off out of our lands and take all your naval bases and air bases with you. With friends like you, who needs bleeding enemies?

And Donald waxed wrath at this unintended consequence, and wailed and gnashed his teeth for forty days and nights on Fox News. But verily, he had no one to blame but his stupid self.

Here endeth the lesson.