Donald Trump – the new Emperor King

Many countries have figured out that Donald Trump loves to be flattered, and that it puts him in a good mood.  Less likely to impose tariffs, slag you off, invade, or send JD Vance to visit.  That sort of thing.

And many countries are also keen to avoid devaluing their honours systems by polluting them with The Donald.  So they are making up honours to award to the US President.  They know he doesn’t care about this, as long as there is an Instagrammable awards ceremony with some dignitaries, flags, military bands, movie stars and a procession. Ideally, all of the above.

So, France has bestowed on Donald Trump a shiny medal confirming that he is now a Champignon D'Honeur, one of the country’s highest, and tastiest, awards.  Belgium has presented him with the newly minted, but still highly coveted, Tintin award for bravery in the face of adverse media. 

Britain is to make the US President a LOBE (Legend of the British Empire). And in the world of fiction - which is one of Donald’s favourite places - he is to be awarded the Wisest of Wise Wizards award, which will be presented by Professor Dumbassdore of Hogwash University. 

This is all very childish, but if you take it all very seriously, then Trump will too.  It’s also a very cheap way to earn kudos with the President.  All for the cost of a shiny medal, a big silver trophy or a sparkly certificate.

Everyone’s doing it.  Even the uninhabited Heard and McDonald Islands are getting in on the act.  Despite the imposition of huge tariffs earlier this year, the penguins say that they understand that the tariffs are largely symbolic and have no impact in the real world.  Accordingly, they have voted to make Donald Trump their King Penguin of 2025.  Long live the King!

hat-tip Titus

Trump thanks Israeli Knesset for electing him President

During the conclusion of US President Donald Trump's address to the Israeli Knesset, he raised the eyebrows of more than a few by thanking them for electing him President of Israel.

'It's so nice of you all to be here today,' he told the assembled representatives, 'it was a pretty difficult campaign but I think we deserved it. Some are saying no-one has ever been president of two different countries before but we did it. I did it."

Benjamin Netanyahu seemed shell-shocked but managed to just stare ahead with a fixed grin as Mr Trump thanked him for a good fight during a difficult time.

"With all the war stuff going on, perhaps Benny was distracted a little but I would have won anyway. The Israeli people love me. And I'm not even Jewish! They said it couldn't be done but I did it."

Mr Trump then went on to make Mr Netanyahu his deputy and told the room that he would pop in in a couple of months to see how everyone was getting along but would be catching up with 'Benny' a couple of times a week, golf rounds notwithstanding.

Starmer to join Reform

A spokesman for the Prime Minister has provided a press release confirming that the PM will be joining Reform 'sometime soon, probably before the next election.'  He said Starmer had paid Nigel Farage for membership already, apparently they were next to each other waiting to vote on something and Farage accepted £23 'for cash'.  The PM, apparently had been waiting for an opportunity to do it, but never seemed to catch the Reform leader in the House of Commons that often and despite travelling a lot, couldn't match Farage's travel plans.

'He doesn't agree with Reform's policies, such as they are,' the spokesman said, 'but he liked the idea of not having to turn up for work much, getting away with bare-faced lying and is yet to be approached by Russia for an off-the-books contract just for saying words that aren't hurty to Putin,' he added.  Apparently his work ethic might be an issue, he's only ever held one job at a time, let alone 12 or 13, and has an unfortunate habit of not copying whatever Trump, for example, says.  'I'm sure it's just a training issue,' said the spokesman, agreeing that Farage is unlikely to be arsed providing it.

Urgent Update:  The spokesman for the Prime Minister has apologised for issuing a press release produced using AI.  'Apparently the AI language models aren't fully up to speed yet and the one an aide used has been trained largely on satirical websites,' he said.  So that's alright then, as you were and don't believe press releases.  Especially if they use NewsBiscuit to train on.  Tsk.