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The government must do more to promote integration and look away from problems caused by Conservative rhetoric out of a fear of the “small minded bigots” researchers have reported today. 


Researchers warned that Conservative ideals all across England were far too high, adding that "if people listen to them too much, we’ll have a turbo charged Thatcher on our hands”.


In a week when Conservatives warned of a “fragmented society” and “seeing too many non-white faces”, it easy to see how Conservative levels can quickly get out of hand.


The researchers went on: “One day they’re talking about wanting to live in a country where people are properly integrated and the next they want immigrants shot for thinking about littering. There are whole swathes of society which are effectively no go areas due to twitching curtains, excessive Daily Mail panic and an almost fanatical obsession with housing prices and inheritance tax. These people just won’t integrate!”


The Conservative leader, Kemi Badenoch, has dismissed the research and said the UK is “doooooommmmeeedddd, doomed I tells you!”




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After two weeks since UKIP MEP, Brexit Party MEP and the former Reform Ltd Welsh Leader was convicted of working for the Russians, taking bribes to push the Russian narrative in the European Parliament, Reform UK leadership have broken their silence, to the disappointment of the British viewing public who were starting to enjoy watching the BBC political programming without having Reform pushed down their throats.


A Reform spokesman denied that Nigel Farage, Richard Tice and Llyr Roberts, who was Nathan Gill's right-hand man in Brussels, were running shy of being questioned about the traitor within the senior levels of UKIP, Brexit Party and Reform.  'Far from it,' said the spokesman, 'they have been carrying out an in-depth investigation to find out why the Russians singled Nathan out to say the things they were readily saying, but paying him, not them.  


'Nigel for one is furious.  He's never knowingly worked for free,' said the spokesman.




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An elite squad of cryptic crossword solvers has been recruited to police Britain’s growing menace: vicars and retired accountants hellbent on supporting proscribed organisation P_________n A____n.


‘Normally they’d be solving complex yet comfortingly non-violent murders’, a police spokesman told us. ‘You know the sort of thing – Oxbridge lecturer poisoned with curare, wealthy businessman dies inside locked room – proper puzzles.


‘We got through the first wave of terror supporters fairly easily: their banners just said “I support Palestine Action” so we knew we could arrest them. Then they started getting whimsical, with stuff like: “I don’t support Palestine Inaction” – we considered consulting a lawyer, but then thought: “fuck it” and arrested them anyway. I’ve never held with lady vicars’.


Now the evil pensioners have resorted to wordplay, forcing police to put numerous cosy murder mysteries on hold while they protect the public from the imminent threat of genocide-dislikers.


‘We don’t make the law’, the spokesman said, ‘we just enforce it. Selling weapons to a genocidal regime is perfectly legal and the sooner these cardboard-wielding fanatics realise that, the better. Bastards’.




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