Trump to sue BBC over The Apprentice

The President has threatened to sue for $1bn, unless the Beeb remove footage that makes him look like a d%&k - specifically 14 seasons of The Apprentice. Editors are accused of splicing footage to make it look like Trump can string a sentence together or hold a rationale thought. An accusation vehemently denied, by Trump.

Filmed in Trump Towers, the show pretended that the President was solvent, knew something about business and was not molesting half the crew. This gross distortion of the facts, gave the false impression that he was of sound mind and testicles.

Trump said the BBC had repeatedly spread lies about him, making it impossible for people to take his bright orange face seriously. Even accusations that he visited the Epstein Island to have carnal knowledge of an african antelope have been dismissed by Trump as fake gnus. The Beeb have one month to come up with the cash, or he will withhold paying for his TV license.

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Physicists discover Trumpian Pressure

It’s a bigger mystery than Dark Energy. Strange occurrences which defy reason keep happening. Now scientists think they may have discovered the cause – a large mass with improbable orange colouring which distorts truth the way a black hole distorts spacetime.

Scientists are calling it 'Trumpian Pressure' after the humanoid where it was first identified.

'It seems a recent phenomenon but maybe Trumpian Pressure has always been there' a scientist told us. 'Science is based on reason, on finding root causes – but what if some events don’t have a root cause? What if some are genuinely chaotic?'

Recent mysterious events include the resignation of Tim Davie, the FBI investigating anybody who said something mean about Donald Trump and the baffling disappearance of the Epstein Papers.

'Take the Davie case. He’s committed about seven billion sackable offences for a DG of a supposedly impartial broadcaster in the last few years, and . . . nothing. No consequences. To be honest, that’s the real mystery. Yet the one event which ended his career was a single dodgy documentary which – let’s face it – probably didn’t hit hard enough. Poor editing, a misleading narrative – but given Trump’s many misdemeanours it would be like falsely accusing Adolf Hitler of having an overdue library book'.

NewsBiscuit would have asked Tim Davie for comment but we don’t have his phone number.

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Nigel Farage commits to reintroducing - then filling - Workhouses for the poor

Following on from his manifesto pledge to reduce the minimum wage for the young, Nigel Farage has also laid out plans to re-introduce workhouses for poor children.

'If you haven't worked hard enough to make a decent living to be able to send your child to a private school', said Mr Farage, 'we want to provide options for working families and remove the need for non-working families to claim benefits. Workhouses are the future with a nod to the past.'

Although Mr Farage was light on details and arrangements, he generally said that workhouses would be compulsory for all children from families that claimed any sort of benefits. Controversially, this includes disability independent living payments with his logic being, 'well they're sitting down anyway, they might as well fix mail sacks or repair vapes or something'.

Mr Farage told press that many public libraries would be repurposed as well as community centres and certain areas of job centres.

'The time has come to put the poor and needy to work for their expensive lifestyles', he concluded, 'I'm sure there are some golf courses too that could do with a good lawn mow!'

Image: WixAI