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Digital ID or trial by jury - you can't have both


In a Sophie's Choice between one beloved child and Kevin from Home Alone, the British public have to pick between 1000 years of unbroken civil rights or making Tony Blair filthy rich. Said one voter: "It's a tough one. Lose a corner stone of justice or make it easier to shop at Primark."


Removing jury trials would save an astronomical £31 million, whereas ID's only cost a mere £600million a year - that's fantastic news, as it gives us a saving of minus £569 million. "Yes, we could of irradicated child hunger from the UK for the cost of digital ID, but those kids can now get a full meal when they get wrongly imprisoned.


"Anyway, Magna Carta? What has she done for us recently?"



Prisoners leave HMP Blunder for the Christmas break


HMP Blunder is breaking up for the Christmas holidays after a busy autumn term.


Its 347 inmates will be released by mistake to wander around deprived areas of London in their prison clothes until they are rounded up by the police and herded back to their cells.


HMP Blunder's governor, Eric Bungle, will oversee the end-of-term prize giving ceremony, when everyone will sing the prison song: It's the Most Blunderful Time of the Year.


Hadush Kebatu is to be given the Metropolitan Police Award for being the cinchest person ever to catch.


Justice Secretary David Lammy has been made Head Scapegoat, so that the Prison Service has someone to take the blame for its constant foul-ups.


There will be no deportations at the end of term because the Home Office has been too disorganised to arrange the flights.


HMP Blunder starts its new term in January, or February, or whenever the cops manage to find everyone.


It will then be welcoming several new faces, thanks to Mr Lammy's cost-cutting court reforms. They'll be people sent to jail on the whim of a judge after a jury-less trial, or having had no trial at all.



Compulsive Tory fibbers demand inquiry to learn what "the truth" is


"The government needs to set an inquiry immediately so that we Conservatives can discover what 'the truth' is," said a party spokes-Pinocchio.


"Sure, we'd like the truth about what was leaked before the Budget. That would be a good start.


"But more broadly, we'd be really grateful if a panel of vaguely honest people could explain to us what in the world these words 'the truth' are meant to mean.


"Years of serving in a party led by Boris Johnson, helping to explain away his daily torrent of fibs, has meant we've forgotten what it's like to hear an honest word when it's spoken."


"We wish we could help," said a spokes-forked tongued viper for Labour. "But we had even the vaguest understanding of the concepts of 'honesty', 'truthfulness' or 'integrity' crushed out of us by a decade and a half of being led by Tony Blair."



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