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White House denies rumours


'The President is definitely not going to start a war in Venezuela, definitely not going to get bogged down in guerilla combat in the mountains and jungle, definitely not going to see the war to spread into Columbia, definitely not going to divert weapons to that war from Ukraine, definitely not going to use the National Guard to put down anti-war protests, definitely not going to take over Canada, definitely not going to use the chaos as an excuse to delay the US Presidential election, absolutely definitely not going to use Europe's support for Canada as an excuse to let down NATO allies when Russia attacks in Eastern Europe, and absolutely definitely positively not following China and Russia's grand plan for the fall of the Western World.' said a spokesman.



'So that's alright then.'



Road pricing: drivers will get refunds for delays


The government introduced road pricing in the Budget last month. Drivers of EVs will now have to pay extra money for every mile driven.


However, like the refunds for delayed train journeys, drivers will be able to claim for a refund if their trip is delayed by roadworks, accidents, bad weather, or acts of God.  And learner drivers will also be able to claim back up to 10,000 miles of practice driving, but only for the 12 months before they passed their practical test.


Drivers will not get a refund for claiming that the government wrongly advised them to buy a diesel car, on the basis of low emissions.  Nor can they get a refund if they bought an electric car based on wildly optimistic estimates of the cost of charging it or fictionalised estimates of how far you can drive on a full battery.  And let’s not even start on the problems with hybrid cars.  Suffice to say, you only bought the damn thing to avoid the congestion charge, so if you now pay twice, through fuel duty AND the mileage charge, well, that’s just karma.  So tough luck, clever clogs.


An HMRC spokesman said, ‘Although we sort of need the money (according to Rachel), the government has agreed to have a level playing field between cars and trains.  As you can get a refund for train delays, the government has agreed that you can also get a refund for car delays.  As with the trains, you can get a full refund if your car journey was delayed by two hours or more.


‘To claim, you will simply need to provide your government-approved GPS tracker data to confirm that you were stuck on the road for the whole time, with no stops for coffee, meals, or anything else.  That data, plus the details on the accompanying 36-page form, will guarantee you a full refund within 6–9 months.’



Reeves appoints Black Wednesday the hamster as new OBR chief


"The last chairman of the Office of Budget Responsibility had to go for being very irresponsible and not agreeing with me," said chancellor Rachel Reeves, stamping her foot and sounding like Queenie in Black Adder.


"He refused to tell people that my policies for growing the economy were working and making Britain rich, traitorously arguing that the figures weren't showing that.


"This is despite me launching sure-fire policies such as: taxing people more so they have less to spend in the shops or invest in their businesses, wishing upon a star and drawing pentangles on the floor, not to mention panicking the City by sacking the head of the OBR.


"To mark a new beginning," continued Reeves, flourishing a sceptre, "I have appointed my pet hamster, Black Wednesday, to be the new OBR chief. He's the only creature in the country guaranteed not to ask awkward questions when I spell out my wonderful economic quickfixes."


"Black Wednesday will be a perfect fit for this government," chuckled a Man in Red Braces in a City dealing room as his colleagues sold off UK government bonds by the tanker-load.


"It runs very fast on a treadmill getting nowhere, and it's been busy storing up provisions to face the really appalling times that we will all be living through under this useless government very soon indeed."



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