CIA hunts for saboteurs who greased aircraft carrier decks

The CIA believes that two expensive US warplanes that fell off a US aircraft carrier may have been targeted by saboteurs.

A US military spokesperson with a very, very short haircut admits that two navy jets had fallen off the USS Harry Truman. The CIA and military police are now looking into the theory that anti-America marxist communist sympathisers may have greased the runway deck, so that the planes could not brake in time, and slid into the sea.

‘Our pilots are the best of the best,’ said a spokesman. ‘And our warplanes are the best of the best. And our aircraft carriers are the best of the best. There is no way that the planes were affected by equipment malfunction, or pilot error, or overconfidence, or bald tires, or dodgy brakes, or anything. It’s all absolutely perfect, all of the time, 24/7/365. We have reassured the President that there are no trans people, gays, Mexican, Canadian or Democrats among the crew.

‘So, at the present time, our best working hypothesis is that there has been a gross act of sabotage. The slippery deck theory is the only one that makes sense in the circumstances, and we are focusing all our efforts on that.

‘We have checked the aircraft carrier deck for greasy substances. We have recovered traces of sun cream, microwaveable string cheese, canola oil, gasoline, WD40, badger sweat (weird), and KY Jelly.

‘We believe that insurgents have penetrated our defences and that these oily substances have slipped through our security procedures and were smeared on the deck right under our noses. It was a slick operation, and we are making every effort to find the slime balls who did this.

‘We will dry out the ditched fighter jets, and we have promised the President that they will be flying again soon. You don’t spend $60m on a jet plane without making sure that it’s waterproof.’

Donald Trump’s image library hacked

Hackers have released new AI generated images of Donald Trump.

The US President has already posted an AI generated image of himself dressed up as the Pope. This clearly takes cosplay to a new level, and we can only hope that the President didn’t get himself too excited. Devout Catholics were not best pleased.

Next we saw the AI generated picture in which Donald Trump tries to appeal to Star Wars nerds by posting an image of himself with a lightsabre on May the Fourth. This stunt has backfired somewhat, as the nerds have pointed out that the President has a red light sabre, which puts him on the baddies side, not the goodies. Awkward.

The newly released images appear to reveal a lot about the inner workings of the Donald’s mind.

There are images of Donald Trump as various historical figures, including Hitler, Ghenghis Khan, Sadiq Khan (he probably thinks they are related), Julius Caesar (‘Roman salad guy’), Winston Churchill (‘beach fighter guy’), Sitting Bull, Mussolini and Henry VIII. In the last image Trump (as Henry VIII) is shown in traditional Elizabethan dress, with his trademark too-long-red-tie over the top. A fashion disaster.

In some images, Donald Trump is toying with his Inner Russian, so to speak, as he is pictured as Lenin, Tolstoy, Rasputin and, alarmingly, as a topless Vladimir Putin, fighting a bear.

And there are some weirder concoctions, where Trump imagines himself as Cleopatra (the Elizabeth Taylor version), Mother Theresa, Joan of Arc, Hillary Clinton, and all three of The Supremes. We’re not sure that any of these images comply with Trump’s own policies on gender identity. Just for private use, perhaps.

Trump also appears as some stars of stage and screen, with AI generated images of himself as Kermit, Minnie Mouse (JD Vance appears alongside as Goofy), and the film director Orson Wells (this image is captioned Awesome Wells – maybe Trump thinks that’s what his name is).

And finally, there are images of Donald Trump as various sporting heroes, including Magic Johnson, Babe Ruth, Muhammed Ali, and Judd Trump (he probably thinks they are related).

The White House has said that it will not comment on the leaked images. We understand, however, the Donald Trump has signed an Executive Order to make viewing, transmitting, sharing and thinking about the images, a capital OFFENCE.

UK plans to clone WWII veterans

A leaked memo has revealed that the Government has no intention of letting a generation of photo ops die off. Instead, aging Spitfire pilots will be spliced with immortal jellyfish, to create a neverending supply of plucky Brits, that can annually endorse our grifting politicians.

No.10 had been concerned about the dwindling supply of confused nonagenarias. Without being able to force a dementia sufferer into wearing a beret, how else would Prime Ministers be able to demonstrate they are tough on defense? Without mawkish VE Day celebrations how else could the PM cosplay Winston Churchill?

Now all we need to do is thaw out their wheelchair once a year. Journalists can recycle their headlines about sacrifice, the BBC can rehash footage of street parties and those brave vets can relive their PTSD so Keir Starmer can pretend he cares.

Photo by marc belver colomer on Unsplash