Defecating bears criticise undercover ITV team

Bears have reacted angrily to ITV’s undercover filming which apparently shows prominent members of the community shitting in the woods.

‘We were misled’, one bear said. ‘We thought they shared our interest in woodland activities. They were dressed in bear suits and convinced us they were bears, too. I feel dirty’.

The programme, due to air on Sunday evening, has divided the nation. Jerry (36) from Grimsby says: ‘I think we always knew what they did in those places. You just have to go to any woodland area, it’s obvious’. Frank (53) from Coventry disagrees: ‘Come on, we all do it. The metropolitan elite like to pretend they don’t, but we all know how dirty they really are. It’s natural.’

The leader of the bear community, known only as ‘Nigel’, has been uncharacteristically quiet all week. He typically holds a press conference twice a day, but has been absent since the early footage of members squeezing out a length, leading to speculation that his own filthy hole might have been caught on camera.

ITV refused to comment, though insiders are said to be excited about footage emerging from the Vatican City.

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Revealed – Reasons for Delays to Investigating Israeli Military Incidents

Fox News Verryiffy Team have found out why the IDF are so far behind with reporting back on the hundreds of untoward incidents Israel said would be looked into. The explanation is very simple. Only one person, Aaron Blewsky, has been assigned to investigate. Not only that, Aaron has been on compassionate leave for most of the last three years due to ingrown toenails.

Fox tracked down Private Blewsky to the apartment he lives in with a magnificent view of the West Bank, a view only spoiled by the nearby acres of uprooted olive and lemon trees and the rubble of former homes of Palestinians who have volunteered to go and live with relatives in various towns.

Blewsky complained bitterly that his ingrown toenails have prevented him in helping to send Palestinians on their way. He described himself as a martyr to his feet.

Speaking through a Russian-English interpreter, Blewsky explained how he had migrated from Moscow four years ago and is still learning Hebrew and has no plans to learn Arabic. Asked if his lack of familiarity with the area's two main languages was a barrier to investigations, he asked if we had heard of Google Translate?

We asked if he felt that when he was able to go to work, he was able to make progress with investigations? Blewsky acknowledged that his car was not the most reliable and he had not always made it to the Tel Aviv office assigned to him

We asked about speaking to IDF personnel implicated in the incidents. Blewsky had driven to one barracks but after speaking with a soldier found his car had been turned upside down. After that, he vowed only to work from his office and home.

‘So have you been able to make any progress with investigation working from your apartment?’

‘Unfortunately months of work on one case I found time for was eaten by my dog.’

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Mattel admits “Press Secretary Barbie” not a success

Toy maker Mattel admitted today that Press Secretary Barbie, the latest iteration in its long running series of plastic blonde dolls, hasn’t been entirely successful.

“The main problem was making it talk,” explained a company spokesman who wished to remain anonymous. “We’ve found that even when we restrict it to empty MAGA platitudes, it can only go 14 minutes before it starts repeating itself and has to be carried offstage.

“After that press conference, we were expecting an angry phone call from the White House. But they’re basically pretty happy with it. If they have a problem, it’s that Trump is so obviously leering at it the whole time, even his base is starting to feel queasy.

“I don’t understand how he can be attracted to something so obviously plastic and fake… sorry, I really don’t know why I said that. Maybe as he wakes up from his afternoon nap, for a few moments he thinks it’s Ivanka.”

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