White House down

In the most damage done yet by an enemy of America, Donald Thump has turned the White House into a pile of rouble, sorry.., rubble.

A spokes-denier said, 'No, nothing has happened and everything is fine. I SAID NOTHING HAS HAPPENED AND EVERYTHING IS FINE. That noise? No, that's nothing, and certainly not collapsing masonry. And definitely not symbolic of what we're doing to the entire country.

'That missing entire front wall of the East Wing was like that when we got here. 

'Those massive diggers and bulldoz... oh for farages sake... it's the fault of staff taking pictures. Otherwise, no one would have noticed.

'Okay, okay, okay. Look, it's the White House, so it was a blank canvas to work with. The President is just putting his Trumpstamp on it.

'It's going to be the bigliest most decadent ballsup... I mean ballroom... I can't faraging think straight with all this racket going on.'

An upgraded spokes-denier with earplugs appeared through clouds of demolition dust to continue.

'The plans for the grand ballroom will not in any way impact on the integrity of the White House,' confirmed Russia. 'Maybe we build safe sanctuary for underage girls, maybe strip club. Maybe we construct underground golf course beneath, maybe we build underground ice rink for next leader of America.

'Maybe Crassnob stay, maybe Crassnob go. Maybe we flip it to Chinese in prime real estate deal. Maybe we level whole thing for big Kremlin laugh. Whatever. How you say? None of your American business. We own now.'

Regardless of the outcome, until freedom of dressing up as a frog expression has been reinstated in Portland, the White House is renamed The Snowflake House.

Jess Phillips should resign, just because

Our in house artist has provided this image of Postman Pat's cat and a crosshead screwdriver.

Recent calls for the resignation of Jess Phillips have drowned out past calls for her resignation and a general sense of déjà vu. It's not so much that she needs sacking, it's just that her being a Minister is so damn weird.

Said one voter,  'Do we need a reason to get rid of her? Oh, okay. How about -  because she is a hypocritical performative narcissist. No? You want more? How about - she is incompetent and traitorous. Er, you still want more? Um...well...she cheats at Monopoly. Actually, that last one may be a fib.'

No.10 explained their strategy. 'If we sack her now, then we'll have nothing to look forward to later.'

Picture credit: perchance.org / deskpilot

Tories Labour Conference hack goes unnoticed

Tory computer nerds thought they had scored a major PR victory over Labour when they hacked the geolocation service ‘What Three Words’. Unfortunately, no-one noticed.

The correct What Three Words location for the Liverpool conference centre is square.jacked.slammed, which is already slightly amusing. The Tory hackers were able to change the descriptors regularly throughout the Labour conference. On the first day, the location was given as last.chance.saloon, which was later amended to starmer.online.healthcare. Other versions included liar.opportunist.grifter, during Keir’s keynote speech, and tax.rises.imminent and your.pension.screwed during Rachel Reeves’ address. The conference closed on overpromise.underdeliver.disappointment.

The nerds failed to convince any journalists that the stunt was worth reporting, so their efforts were both vain and in vain. One veteran reporter said that it was hardly in Ed Davey’s league when it came to stunts.

A spokesman for the Labour Party said that once delegates and journalists had arrived at the conference, they wouldn’t need to use What Three Words to find out where it was. Although she did concede that some delegates might have worried that they were in the wrong place.

Hat tip to deskpilot

Image credit: perchance.org