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Farage's tobacconist to be given SAS protection

In the last twenty-four hours the degree of security provided to Reform MPs, their families and close associates has increased dramatically.


Nigel Farage now receives round the clock security from MI6, his ex wife and current girlfriend have both been put into witness protection, presumably in one or more of his houses, while Richard Tice has been offered a cuddly toy to hug at night and Zia Yusef has been allocated Lee Anderson as his personal bodyguard.


Farage's barber, his butcher and his newsagent have all found 22 SAS parked outside their premises brandishing Glocks and Farage's personal bodyguard now has his own personal bodyguard, who is expected to get his own within the week.


For obvious reasons security at the House of Commons is unchanged.




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Image: ChatGPT

Semi final loss means England must hand over Falklands and possibly Isle of Wight

England's defeat to Argentina in the World Cup semi final means that they must now hand over control of the Falkland Islands to the South Americans. In his last week on the job - and presumably drunk - Keir Starmer suggested a double or quits rematch with the Isle of Wight as collateral, alongside the Isle of Man, the Isle of Dogs and the Isle of Wight again, just to make sure.


During the semi-final itself, England's players misunderstood German manager Thomas Tuchel shouting 'Nein' over and over again, to mean that they should have at least nine men behind the ball at all times.


Meanwhile, in Edinburgh, Cardiff, Belfast and Dublin, plans to deal with the apocalyptic horror of an England men's World Cup win were quietly put back on some now very dusty shelves.


Elsewhere Nigel Farage briefly stopped taking backhanders from shady crypto billionaires to issue a statement accompanied by an AI image of him drinking a pint. Farage praised Jordan Pickford, John Stones, Elliot Anderson, Declan Rice, Anthony Gordon and Harry Kane as English heroes, but criticised Djed Spence, Marc Guehi, Reece James, Jude Bellingham and Morgan Rogers for 'tactical reasons'.



Trump loses his sh!t


US president Donald Trump has reacted furiously to the humiliation of being mocked by Belgian footballers by declaring that unless the result is overturned, the ceasefire with Iran is over. In a rambling statement, Trump said,


'Unless Infantino does the decent thing and reinstates the United states team every time they lose, until I have lifted the world cup for them, millions of Iranian people will be blasted to oblivion. You know, we treated those bastards so well during the soccer jamboree, and this is how we are repaid. It's not on.


No one mocks the mighty Donald J Trump without some defenceless little kids dying with their entire family. It's only fair. You know Iran used to be called Persia?  I didn't until yesterday and now I think they changed the name to help them hide the nukes. Bigly nukes go boom! And the whole country goes boom unless Infantino does the business.


You know, I've done so much for him, giving him the greatest soccer jamboree of all time. Now he has to pay me back or I forget soccer and obliterate Persia. They are cuckoo anyway. My pants feel squishy. Has someone farted?


Thank you for your attention to this matter. What day is it? What's this red button for? .


image from Grok


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