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US Defence Secretary Pete Hegseth is facing universal criticism for the appalling English used in his book, ‘The War On Warriors’. If Chapter 10 had been entitled ‘More lethality, fewer lawyers’, he may have been excused for ordering the killing of survivors of a missile attack on their boat. But it’s called ‘More lethality, less lawyers’ which clearly indicates what a dreadful human being he is.


Not many people knew of Hegseth’s book before his department started ignoring Rules Of Engagement, the Geneva Convention and its own publications on War Conduct. But an investigation into the murderous campaign to terrorise fishermen under the questionable pretext that they are all drug dealers has raised awareness of the terrible grammatical crimes committed by Hegseth.


As the investigation continues, further evidence of the misuse of the English language may emerge. And the wrath of the entire English-speaking world will descend upon Hegseth if it is revealed that he ever wrote ‘should of’ instead of ‘should have’.



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The government has a new tactic in its war on illegal immigrants.


Funding the French police has proved ineffective. Advertising posters saying 'Britain is Closed. And a bit rubbish.' didn't work. The one-in-one-out policy is only working in a roundabout way.


So the government is very pleased with its latest wheeze.


'I don't know why we didn't think of it before,' said the under-Minister for Ejecting Illegals. 'We order a pizza on one of those new-fangled delivery apps. We have a work experience wallah who knows how to do that. And then we arrange for it to be delivered to the police headquarters in Calais.


'The app tells us the drivers name. So then we can tell our immigration staff not to let them back in. Genius. One voluntary repatriation for the price of a pizza.


'We are still refining the policy. The French police has complained about the food arriving cold, and also that pizza is disgusting foreign muck, and that the BBQ dips are often missing. GB News has accused us of using public money to buy food for asylum seekers. And we have accidentally deported seven English teenagers.


'I'm told that the last one is a downside, even though they would probably have voted Reform.'



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In a Sophie's Choice between one beloved child and Kevin from Home Alone, the British public have to pick between 1000 years of unbroken civil rights or making Tony Blair filthy rich. Said one voter: "It's a tough one. Lose a corner stone of justice or make it easier to shop at Primark."


Removing jury trials would save an astronomical £31 million, whereas ID's only cost a mere £600million a year - that's fantastic news, as it gives us a saving of minus £569 million. "Yes, we could of irradicated child hunger from the UK for the cost of digital ID, but those kids can now get a full meal when they get wrongly imprisoned.


"Anyway, Magna Carta? What has she done for us recently?"



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