Politics 8/0

Police ask undercover reporters to stop investigating Reform

Sep 4

Police chiefs have expressed ‘irritation’ and ‘dismay’ after learning of yet another journalist exposing dodgy dealings by Nigel Farage’s current political party.

‘It’s a lot of work’, a spokesman confirmed. ‘We have to interview people, look through accounts – it’s fucking tedious. Everyone knows they’re dodgy – couldn’t we just accept that and move on? Nobody makes us raid the thousands of money-laundering shops on the high street – we all just shrug and get on with our day. Why can’t these journalists just leave crime alone for a bit?’

Nigel Farage was unavailable for comment as he was reorganising his gold.

Image: cocoparisienne - Pixabay

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Reform UK introduces donor card scheme

Jeremynh

Sep 4

If you believe this, you'll believe anything

Insurgent populist party Reform UK has introduced a revolutionary donor card scheme which it hopes British citizens will carry with them at all times.

The card says: "In the event of me happening to be related to some very rich foreigner, I will allow millions of Bitcoins to be channelled through my bank account into the coffers of Reform UK."

I suppose there is nothing wrong with such a card being printed or carried," said Court of Appeal judge Lord Bufton Tufton, considering an application for the donor card to be banned. "But if we were to find out that Reform was secretly getting money from foreign donors in this way, the law would crack down on the practice as decisively as it is doing now - ie. not at all."

Image: Co-Pilot

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Trump Presidency to get weekly recaps

Sully

Sep 4

‘Followers of American politics have complained that they can’t follow the plot’, a White House spokesman told us. ‘If this was a Netflix drama there would be one major incident per week and they’d still offer a recap. President Trump’s achievements are so many and so wondrous that the American people can’t keep track’.

Trump’s achievements since January include stealing 65 billion barrels of Venezuelan oil, losing a war with Iran, turning the Reflecting Pool into an algae conservation area, having ICE murder a couple of US citizens, cheating at golf (multiple times), shitting his pants (multiple times), falling asleep on camera (multiple times) and threatening to invade – well, everybody.

The only topic which won’t be included in the recap is the Epstein Files. ‘Look, President Trump has already released 5% of the Epstein Files’, the spokesman said. ‘What more do you people want? Jeez, if an old man can’t have a little fun once in a while – what’s the world coming to?’

Image: File:Donald Trump mugshot.jpg - Wikimedia Commons

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