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That Kemi Badenoch speech in full

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'Yes, hooray, we now have a policy and it's a big juicy one.


'After months in the wilderness with no policies, the Tories are back, with a bang.


'Not health, not justice, not education, not tax. No. This policy is about planning. The policy is no change of use for hotels without planning permission. This is an absolute game changer. This will win an avalanche of votes.  It's not anti-immigrant or anti-asylum-seeker.  It's not pandering to white working class poor people.  This is about the proper use of the planning system.


'No need for any other policies. No need to be a thoughtful and challenging opposition to the government. No need to fear scary Nigel any more. Gamechanger!


'Do I think that people will notice that we are opportunistic, mean-spirited and morally bankrupt. No. People are smarter than that.


'Do I think that people will notice that we don't have anything useful to offer on any of the big issues of the day. Yes. But who cares. The election is ages away.'



Breaking news: supermarket changes a price

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A supermarket has changed the price of a thing it sells, and this is big news.


The thing has been at a different price until now, when it has gone up.


Many food prices are going up.  You may have noticed.  Meat, coffee, butter, eggs, bread.  Just about everything, really.


Shops change their prices all the time, up, down, up, mostly up. However, today's price change is iconic, because it's a thing that is an ordinary thing, that ordinary people buy every day, and because it's a food thing, and we've all got to eat.


It's a good thing that news media exists, because now you are warned in advance that the thing is more expensive.  And this will give you time to prepare.  And think about whether you want this thing at the new price, or whether you should shop elsewhere, or just resort to shoplifting. They wouldn't nick you for a £4 meal deal.  Would they?


To be on the safe side, why not get up five minutes earlier and make yourself a sandwich instead.  And then you can spend your savings on booze.



Government axes Space Agency, declaring ‘Why go into space when we’ve got the London Eye?’

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In a bold move which will save approximately £17.50 per year, the UK government has announced the immediate closure of the UK Space Agency (UKSA), citing ‘unnecessary duplication’ with the British ability to look upwards in awe during cloudy evenings.


A government spokesman explained, “We’re not really in the business of sending people into orbit anymore. Tim Peake has already done it, and to be honest, we didn’t know what to do with him afterwards. Tim’s a lovely chap, but we can’t just keep firing him into the sky every time morale dips.”


The UKSA, established to give Britain a voice in the global space race, will now be merged into the Department for Levelling Down, which has promised to ‘repurpose any leftover rockets into affordable housing’. Critics argue that axing the agency will set back the UK’s technological ambitions by decades. In response, ministers pointed out that ‘we’ve still got a telescope in Greenwich, and if anyone wants to see the view from space, Google Earth is free’.


The government has also hinted at a new strategy: instead of launching satellites, the UK will ‘borrow Wi-Fi from France’ and rely on Elon Musk’s Starlink, provided he accepts payment in Nectar points. When asked about the broader vision for Britain’s role in space exploration, the Prime Minister was bullish: “Why aim for the Moon when you can take a coach trip to Skegness? It’s cheaper, safer, and you don’t need a spacesuit - although a raincoat is advisable.”


Meanwhile, the few remaining UKSA employees have reportedly been reassigned to monitor seagulls at Dover, in case they start looking ‘a bit too extra-terrestrial’. The Department for Levelling Down is rumoured to have considered launching rockets full of asylum seekers into orbit as a ‘two-birds-one-stone’ solution, but the idea was scrapped after Treasury officials pointed out that launching rockets costs more than housing asylum seekers in Premier Inns.




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