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Jeff Bezos: Saviour Of The World

The world has fallen prostrate at the feet of Amazon warehouse king, Jeff Bezos. Despite the best efforts of the police, various governments, parents, teachers, social workers, etc around the world, no one has managed to reduce gun crime, let alone stop it.


Then Jeff Bezos had a fantastic idea. Buy the James Bond franchise and airbrush all the guns out of the posters.


‘I’m completely shocked.’ explains Nancy Dempton of London’s East End. ‘I never would’ve thought. We had quite a lot of gun crime around here – not as much as there used to be but still, there’s enough. The police have been having amnesties and all sorts but nothing has worked. Jeff Bezos should absolutely get the Nobel Peace Prize for this.’


Not everyone is happy though. Donald Trump made use of a press conference about the situation between Russia and Ukraine to share his thoughts: ‘Guns are great. Aren’t guns great? Guns are great. Guns don’t shoot people – guns shoot bullets. Beautiful guns shooting beautiful bullets. James Bond – or 007 as I like to call him – we’re friends, you know that? Yeah we’re friends – we’re old friends. Go way back – I taught him everything he knows. I also invented his car that goes under water. You see that car? The car that goes under water? I invented that. So yeah, 007 - He calls me number one - 007 should have more guns! Bigger guns! The guy wears a belt – he could fit atleast a half dozen holsters on there, and he has pockets – he wears jackets. Lots of jackets. Lots of jackets means lots of pockets. One gun in each pocket – maybe two if they’re big pockets. I dunno – are they big pockets? I dunno. Or small guns. Are they small guns? I dunno that either – nobody knows. Nobody knows. He’s very secretive about the size of his guns – always has been. I always liked that about him. He also has two beautiful strong shoulders. Two manly, strong, beautiful shoulders. He could easily have a rifle over each shoulder. That’s how you end gun crime. More guns than the other guy. Bigger and better guns than the other guy.’


And as if ridding the world of gun crime wasn’t enough, word is going round that Bezos isn’t done yet. According to his spokesman Marvin Tubbard, Bezos is now going to rid the world of womanising by also removing all the women from the Bond posters.


An international petition has already gained 200,000,000 signatures for Bezos to edit other classic film posters, to make the world an even safer, more harmonious place.




TitusScam Homeopathic Wellfullness Tablets


These are supplied - eventually - probably, and at additional cost - in the form of an empty box which used to contain the tablets.  However they are about to be superseded by a mega-powerful new treatment, which we can prove is definitely even more effective because it's far more expensive.  This consists of an empty box which used to contain tablets made from the boxes which used to contain early versions of the homeopathic wellfullness tablets.


Our researchers (who are homeopathic scientists, i.e., people who know someone who know someone else whose great-grandfather's next-door neighbour's milkman's brother-in-law always wanted to be a scientist) are now working on an exciting, top-secret new development.  This will involve the boxes which used to contain tablets only taken by people who always steadfastly refused to accept any form of vaccination - the ultimate, vaccine resistant homeopathic wellfullness treatment.


This has been highly recommended by US Health Secretary Kennedy and is expected to be endorsed by President Trump - provided there is no risk that any qualified person who has the faintest idea what they are talking about might possibly ever describe all this as anything other than a complete load of bollosck.



Michelle Mone may be aware of £122 Million Gown Fraud verdict


PPE Medpro is to payback the £122,000,000 to the government for gown fraud. The agreement is to pay £100 a month for the next one million years. There are also the additional costs and interest to pay back, which may mean an additional £2 a month.


Michelle Mone, who is somehow still a f@cking Baroness, and is definitely linked to the struggling gown fraud company, is probably currently being super remorseful on her yacht. The yacht is undoubtedly called The Jolly Gown Fraud and was paid for in good honest money that was earnt in a way that no way defrauded the UK government via supplying unsuitable medical apparel.


You don’t get that kind of boat money by deceiving the Department of Health and Social Care in a time of crisis by passing off unfit-for-use robes that endanger people, no sirree bob, you get it from selling pants. Probably unsafe pants, dipped in COVID. That’s a guess, maybe one of the less dangerous strains at least.


Apparently, endangering lives by vile, opportunistic garb swindling still allows you to keep your peerage. You only lose it if the crime is worth over 1/8th of a billion pounds, luckily, she was just shy of that limit.

Crime never pays folks.... maybe we should Stop The Big Fancy Boats as they seem to be the ones containing undesirables.



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