UK to install recording devices in your arse

After online censorship, onboard breathalysers, the next logical step is Rectal Freedom Plugs. RFPs will be inserted in every adult, under local anesthetic or three pints of larger. RFPs will be keep everyone on their toes, literally - it will be very uncomfortable to sit.

Sir Keir Starmer is the man with a vision and far too much lube. The RFPs will monitor all illicit behaviour - although many argue the vibration warning will act as an incentive not a deterrent.

They will come in a range of colours, but who would know. But you can upgrade to a cheeky fox tail antenna. Explained the Minister: 'Oh, it's not about tracking you, we just thought it would be funny.'

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New Thames Water mascot leaves a bad smell in the boardroom

News emerged today that beleaguered Thames Water recently briefed a leading ad agency to come up with a customer friendly mascot, in an attempt  to try and win favour with its less-than-happy captive subscriber base. 

But sadly, Tommy The Turd, a cuddly, brown, sausage-shaped character with the catchphrase: "I'd give that ten minutes if I were you," failed to win favour when the agency presented its proposed campaign to bosses.

Company bigwigs were said to be furious with one exec, who asked not to be named, commenting brusquely. 'Look, I know this company is the very embodiment of tin-eared arrogance towards its customers, but even we could never have hoped to get away with such a thing.

'The money we've wasted on this, over five hundred grand by the way, might as well have been flushed round the S-bend. I mean, it could've been divided it up between the board members as a little bit of extra bounce. Tommy The Turd has to be a shittiest idea I have ever seen. I knew we should've just hired that stupid, effing, pink, spotty wanker, Blobby.' 

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Rail services on the island of Sodor nationalised

After the government nationalised c2c railways last week, the next operator on the list is the North Western Railway, which runs all the rail services on the island of Sodor. It will also become part of Great British Railways, set up by the government to oversee the rail system in England, Wales and Scotland.

Transport Secretary Heidi Alexander said passengers had been suffering under-investment and waste, because the rail operator for Sodor had not been living in the real world.

The Minister said public ownership would tackle ‘deep-rooted problems’ experienced on the railway. Recent incidents have included trains stuck in tunnels, trains simply refusing to move, and various other bizarre incidents. Customer service has suffered because the rail company only has one replacement bus, called Bertie. She noted that the safety record of the Sodor railways are ‘very alarming’ and ‘a national embarrassment’. In addition, the remuneration of the Fat Controller was quite obviously far too high. 

Nationalisation will put the railway on track for modernisation, with a new high-speed line, complete with bat tunnels, and due for completion by 2045, subject to funding. There will also be new rolling-stock, to replace the current fleet of steam-driven locomotives, many of which have faces painted on them. The Minister refused to be drawn on the likely costs.

Shadow rail minister Colin FitzJohnson said that the idea that savings could be made by nationalising the railways on Sodor were ‘a complete fiction’.

Picture credit: NightCafe studio AI