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Virtue.AI will make you look great with no effort at all

A new AI-driven app promises to make you look like a really great person without the slightest effort on your behalf.


Given access to your social media, Virtue.AI will post appropriate reactions of grief, anger or sympathy to whatever’s in the news, allowing you to remain completely oblivious to it. The basic free model will also wish happy birthday to your friends on the appropriate day, or congratulate them any promotion or life event they post about, whilst the advanced, subscription-based model can trawl through your old texts and emails in order to come up with a private joke, or reference to a shared experience, so the message sounds more authentic.


This has led to some concern that it might be embarrassing when you bump into a friend in real life, since you won’t know what Virtue.AI has been posting on your behalf. However, early indications are that your friend is probably using the same app to read and respond to your messages anyway, so they won’t know any more than you do.


This hasn’t stopped many users feeling it might be better never to go out in case they meet people they know, or indeed any other people at all.


“In fact,” said one heavy user, “I wish AI could come up with a solution to that awkward moment when the guy delivering your pizza tries to make conversation, rather than just taking the money and going. It always makes me feel very tense.”



Thames Water saved by St Swithins Day



After extracting billions from water rate payers since privatisation, plus loading the company with debt all in order to pay shareholders untold riches, it looked like the company was on its last legs as the government, country and anyone with half a functioning braincell could see it was failing in all aspects, unless discharging turds into public waterways instead of processing them to provide clean water was an agreed objective - clue, it isn't.


Now the final nail in its coffin after years of not increasing the water storage capacity through reservoirs and/or reducing losses through leaks it was gearing up to announce sweeping water restrictions such as hosepipe bans and stand-pipes in the street. Then, yesterday, on St Swithins Day, it rained. Practically everywhere.


'It's a bloody miracle,' claimed a spokesman for the CEO. 'We've been praying for rain on the fifteenth of July for months,' he said, adding, 'or a massive government bailout, again, but it's pretty much the same thing,' he said.


'According to the legend, it will now rain for forty days and forty nights. Probably one after the other,' he said, crossing his fingers and toes. 'It's guaranteed, isn't it?' he asked, probably rhetorically. he confided that he also hoped the government would rain cash on it for forty or so days, 'just like they used to'.


In other news the tooth fairy is real, Santa is watching every move you make. Gregg Wallace is the epitome of acceptable behaviour and the IDF are the good guys.



Fly from Cardiff – get £23 off

The Welsh Government is keen to support Cardiff Airport, as it’s very important to have a proper Welsh airport to use. God forbid that proper Welsh people would use the airports at Manchester, Liverpool, Birmingham or Bristol. You can’t get to any of those airports without treading on foreign soil.


The Welsh Government has therefore given subsidies of £206m to the airport (which it owns) over the next ten years.


After some debate about how best to use the subsidies, the airport has decided that it will just give every passenger £23 in cash. Travellers will also have the option to take the subsidy in giant Toblerone bars, or, in a concession to Plaid Cymru, Welsh cakes. Passengers are warned that they may not be able to take £23 worth of Welsh cakes on board a plane as hand luggage.


The airport has defended its decision by saying that cold hard cash is the best way to build the customer base. On current passenger numbers, the £23 cash bonus will last for the full ten years. If the number of travellers rises, then the cash bonus might end earlier – but this will, of course, show that the whole scheme has been a brilliant success.


Swansea Airport has complained, and says that if it had the money, it could offer a subsidy of £137 per passenger. It reckons that this would grow passenger numbers much more quickly. Their spokesman also said that Swansea is properly Welsh, unlike all those softies in Cardiff who can’t even speak the language properly.



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