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Hovercraft to solve HS2 problems


The HS2 project is in a mess. The cost of the London to Birmingham link is now over £107bn, or 82 years worth of winter fuel payment savings.


The news that not a single piece of track had been ordered, let alone laid, has encouraged hovercraft fans to step forward.


Colin Keener, an enthusiastic advocate for British engineering, says that a hovercraft solution could cut costs and save the day.


'Hovercraft don't need any rails,' said Colin, stating the obvious. 'Getting to speeds of 220mph could be an issue, but jet engines would do the job. Steering could be a slight challenge, so the high speed hovercraft might need a guide wire. It is possible that carriages might sway a bit, but probably no worse than those pendolino trains.


He went on to say that the weight of hovercraft trains wouldn't be an issue as long as passenger numbers were restricted.


A spokesman for the Department for Transport acknowledged the proposal with a sigh. He pointed out that the £107bn cost of HS2 would be easily covered by the sale of 3.1 billion rail cards.



Coca-Cola corp fires all its executives

Avi Menschenheimer, CEO of the Coca-Cola corp, has made a unilateral decision to fire all the executives who work there.


“I just woke up one day and had a really obvious realisation,” he told reporters. “I mean, we make literally one product which has never changed in the slightest, apart from a blip in the 80s where we tweaked the recipe and instantly tweaked it back. It’s already sold everywhere in the world. Even in places where you can’t get water.


“Obviously we need some blue collar guys to run the factory where it’s made, ship it to distribution centres etc. But somehow the company has, like, ten thousand executives. What the hell do they do all day? Product development? The product never changes. Marketing? Who hasn’t heard of coke?


“So I tentatively suggested to the board that possibly some savings could be made, and they instantly presented me with a plan to bring in even more executives to conduct an “in-depth efficiency study”. And you can bet they’d have found a way to stay on the payroll when the study was over. So I realised the only way was to get rid of the whole lot of them.


“Now my working day consists of the factory foreman calling me up, saying ‘You want us to make some more coke?’ I reply ‘That’d be great, thanks.’ And then I’m pretty much done. Though I keep my phone on in case he calls to say ‘I forgot to ask, you want it in bottles or cans?’”




Trickle down economics definitely not just pissing on the poor



Wealthy people have confirmed that poor people can definitely pull themselves up by their bootstraps, even though doing this in reality would only cause them to hurt their feet and fall over on to the ground or into debt.


'I've got millions and I'm fine' confirmed one millionaire, somewhat unnecessarily. 'Cutting my taxes is the only logical thing to do. Otherwise the government will only spend the money on public services for the disgusting masses. I can afford everything I'll ever need, but I want more and I'm not afraid to shut a few libraries and fan the flames of far right rhetoric to get it.'


'Creating jobs with my money is hard, so instead I'm going to hoard the cash and blame immigrants.'


A statement issued on behalf of all economists everywhere said 'Yep.'

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