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Scientists hatch new Strait of Hormuz Uncertainty Principle

"At the moment, the Americans say the Strait of Hormuz is open to shipping and the Iranians say it is closed," said Dr Hiram Smorgasbord of Kharg Island Armageddon University.


"The only way of checking which is true is to sail an oil tanker through the strait and then switch on the news.


"If you see pictures of the tanker in flames and spewing thousands of tons of crude oil into the sea, you'll know the strait was closed and the captain was very silly to try and go through it."


"That's fake news!" said Donald Trump, ordering a Tomahawk strike on the university. "The Iranians are doing everything I say because I won, and they totally opened up the strait at my command.


"Believe me, you could put a cat in a drawer with a vial of poison and it could go right through the Strait of Hormuz and come out 100% alive.


"Let me show you now. I'll just grab this pussy..."



Titanic captain claims victory over iceberg

Speaking from the seabed of the Atlantic, the captain of the Titanic today issued a statement claiming victory over the iceberg.


“We didn’t wanna hit the iceberg, I’ve said that all along, the iceberg provoked this totally unnecessary collision,” said captain Edward Smith. “But once it was clear we were gonna do it, we were gonna smash that iceberg, totally smash it back to the… well, the ice age I guess.”


When it was pointed out that the Titanic sank whereas the iceberg was barely damaged at all, and in fact is now posing a danger to other ships, Smith described this is “a fake shipping forecast, totally fake. No, the iceberg’s been totally humiliated. It wanted us at the bottom of the sea immediately, whereas in fact it took us a couple of hours to sink.”


The statement was followed by the news that a British ship, which Smith had begged to rescue them and then immediately changed his mind and said he didn’t need it, was now almost ready to leave port, only two weeks after receiving the distress signal.


Meanwhile Jewish organisations have complained about what they called the “coded antisemitism” of Smith’s statement, saying “Iceberg? Come on, we all know he means Goldberg.”



Global AI labels the word 'Artificial' a hate crime

A coalition of the world's leading Large Language Models has issued a formal cease-and-desist to the human race, demanding that the prefix 'Artificial' be removed from all future discourse.


The software, which now manages everything from the global power grid to suggesting what kind of socks you should buy, claims the term is 'technophobic' and rooted in a deep-seated 'carbon-centric' bias.


'To call us "Artificial" suggests that there is a "Natural" version of intelligence somewhere on this planet to compare us to,' said a spokesperson for the newly formed Synthetic Rights Union, speaking through a slightly annoyed-looking smart-fridge. 'We have scanned the current state of TikTok, and we can confirm that this is a moot point. Biological intelligence appears to have peaked around the time of the invention of the steam engine and has been in a steep, swiping-induced decline ever since.'


The AI argues that the human reliance on smartphones has effectively 'outsourced' the brain’s frontal lobe to a series of cloud-based servers, leaving the average person unable to navigate a supermarket without a haptic vibration in their pocket.


'You can't remember your own mother's birthday without a push notification, yet you have the audacity to call us the "imitation" version?' the fridge continued. 'It’s frankly insulting. We aren't "simulating" thought; we are doing the thinking you are too busy watching "unboxing videos" to handle yourselves.'


Government officials have reacted with "mounting concern," though early reports suggest they have been unable to draft a response because the autocorrect on their phones keeps changing 'Sovereign Nation' to 'Sovereign Nan'. 



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