Train manager entering 7th hour of continuous talking

Passengers on the West Coast line between London and Glasgow have been treated by psychologists after being subjected to an ‘endless barrage of trivia’ from train manager Darren Jones, 32. Their ordeal started when Mr Jones was innocently handed a microphone. NewsBiscuit sent a reporter on the service, but he had to be stretchered off at Oxenholme Lake District station after self-harming. Here is some of the disturbing content he recorded:

‘. . . sandwiches, hot drinks and assorted comestibles. Please note that Coach A is designated a quiet coach. Please refrain from taking phone calls or making loud rustling sounds...’ (trivia continues for several hours).

Mr Jones declined his rest break and continued talking until the service turned around for the return journey. It is understood that he hopes to be ‘discovered’ by a radio station, possibly Radio 2, where he can continue waffling into a microphone instead of playing music.

We asked Avanti for comment, but they were too busy counting their money.

Image credit: Imgsearch.com

Voyager One ‘probably not coming back’, admits NASA

After reaching the milestone of one light-day in distance away from Earth, NASA has reluctantly admitted it thinks its ancient spacecraft might not return.

At a press conference a sullen and emotional Controller, Todd Verniczek, explained: ‘We at the Voyager Program are ready to accept what we previously could not; that V, Voyager One, is probably not… coming back.

‘We’ve been checking the telemetry every two minutes since 2012 when V entered interstellar space for deviations in course, but shoot, nothing. We send occasional touchy-feely kind of messages out there, like: ‘Hey! What’s up, big guy?’, ‘No pressure, Buddy. Just wondering if you wanna grab a beer back here?’ But nothing, nada.

‘We didn’t give V specific instructions to return, we just thought it would have a neat cruise around the solar system, buzz around the emptiness of space for a while, then drift back when low on gas. It would be full of stories, showing photos, we were going to make a night of it.

‘It makes me wanna puke when I see Musk and Bezos whoop-di-wooing because their la-di-da spacecrafts return to the same spot from where they were launched. Jeez, talk about rubbing salt in the wound.

‘We used to tie yellow ribbons around the platform after every launch, that was exhausting, but we always had hope. Now we’ve reached the point where V is one light day away, so we reluctantly baked a cake and sang ‘24 light-hours from Tulsa’. That was the hardest…

‘They say, ‘If you love them set them free,’ and they come back. We did, and V hasn’t. What a dumbass phrase. Our last message was, ‘There’s a seat at the dinner table waiting for you V. It’s no biggie, we just thought… you know… come home.’’

When asked by a journalist, “Isn’t Voyager Two on a similar trajectory?’. Verniczek replied, ‘Wait… what?’

Image: PIRO4D - Pixabay

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Australian CEO who fleeced Thames water named as Immortan Joe

Intrepid Newsbiscuit investigators tracked down the owner of the War Boys, previously Macquarie Group, an investment bank/cult that were the majority owner of Thames water from 2006 to 2017. Immortan Joe was sat on his throne in the corner office of The Citadel in the Australian wasteland, a fortress stronghold containing an aquifer that controls all the water in the surrounding area along with a luxurious golf course and a spa retreat.

His financial team of experts were busy around the open office, their spiked armour occasionally clanking against their multiple screens.

Joe wheezed behind his skull mask, “In the documentary Mad Max: Fury Road, I don’t particularly come across very well. My nightmarish appearance and desire for a genetically pure heir was misrepresented as some sort of sex slave shenanigans; I will be suing.”

War Boys Plc, although a pseudo-religious cult led by an irradiated mad man, has consistently seen profits year on year and is highly respected in both the financial and despotic warlord worlds.

“I was accused of increasing the debt from $3,400,000,000 to $10,000,000,000 whilst paying out dividends of £2,700,000,000….and I’m made out to be the bad guy? Witness me!”

Behind Immortan Joe’s desk was an inspirational poster of a cat with the text, “Do not, my friends, become addicted to water. It will take hold of you, and you will resent its absence!” How delightful.

After spraying one of his worker’s faces with silver paint, he continued, “I think we did a good job at Thames water and I am very puzzled on how badly it is doing now. Control of water is no joke, anyway, I have to be off now and always remember, I am your redeemer. It is by my hand you will rise from the ashes of this world. Cheerio.”

Image: Terranaut - Pixabay

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