Council tells Aldi to take down all the flags

West Wassick District Council has written to its local Aldi store asking them to take down all the flags decorating the store.

A spokesman told us: ‘Many members of the community are distressed by the flags. They are well aware that Aldi was started by two German brothers and that it remains in German ownership. The extravagant displays of Union Flags in store are therefore inappropriate, unsettling and borderline sarcastic.

‘While Aldi may claim that it is ‘Backing British Farmers’ they may have omitted the words ‘Into A Corner’. We fear that their flag waving is more about extracting cash from customers than it is about patriotism.

'The Council has taken steps to paint over flags on mini-roundabouts and to take down flags on lamp posts. We are nothing if not fair, so we are telling Aldi that they need to take their flags down too – to waive the flags, if you like. 

'Don’t say we haven’t got a sense of humour.'

Picture credit: Wix AI

Betfred holds 7,500 hostages over tax freedom demands

Betfred are willing to dispose of thousands of innocent employees if the government fails to drop their massive, unrealistic, excessive tax on their massive, unrealistic, excessive profits.

The terrorist leader, billionaire owner Fred, made demands on a news broadcast, saying they would have to get rid of the 7,500 hostages if the government implements their proposed gambling tax. 'We will 'retire' a hostage, every hour, on the hour, until our requirements are met. Once the guarantees are confirmed, I will leave. No, I don’t need a helicopter, I’ve already got one.

'We just want a free betting environment,' he continued. 'We are not violent extremists, more like freespin fighters. The oppressive Labour regime is committing atrocities on our profits. If they don’t want to see bodies out on the streets, then they must give us access to our God given obscene bonuses.'

Fred, AKA Freddy the Weasel, Whiney Fred and Freddie Two-Yachts, was calling from an undisclosed location, but probably his £7.5million house in Manchester, or his Lake District mansion, or his property in the South of France.

The authorities are suspicious of a new insurance policy taken out by Fred’s brother, 'Honest' Pete, on all 1,287 Betfred shops. A source known as Lucky Argyle has heard rumours that they all are going to explode during the hostage release, and the police will spend months sifting through rubble, and by the time they figure out what went wrong, Fred and Pete be sitting on a beach, earning twenty percent. The classic Die Hard plan.

As usual, Sir Keir Starmer just wanted all the sausages to be released, unburnt.

Image credit: perchance.org

Swiftify launches featuring only Taylor Swift songs

New music streaming app Swiftify has launched, dedicated entirely to the music of Taylor Swift. Users can listen to songs from a vast library of albums - albeit most of them feature the same songs just with different cover art - and explore music from the many genres which Taylor has toyed with over her multi decade career.

Swiftify Chief Exec Bradley Brady said, '90% of all music streams are of the top 1% of artistes, and 50% are of Taylor, probably. So we figured just cut out the rest. Like we say in showbiz, be nice to the little people on your way up - then dump 'em.'

The app also features an AI tool to generate abusive social media messages for 'Swifties' to send to 'haters'. At press time, it had already suffered its first crash, when someone registered under the username Big Machine Records.

Meanwhile, plans to launch another app dedicated entirely to the music of Harry Styles have been put on hold following an appeal under the Geneva Convention.

Image credit: perchance.org