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UK’s biggest telescope unable to find any funding


Jodrell Bank, the UK’s biggest telescope, faces closure unless it can find some funding. Despite being a glorified magnifying glass, it has so far been unable to do this, despite peering down the sides of the sofa in the staff canteen.


Suggestions for self-funding have come primarily from 1970s perverts hoping to use the device not to look up at the heavens, but to look up women’s skirts, or seeing if Nigel Farage has £5 million in crypto to use it to find a Brexit benefit. 


One astronomer said 'They’re all a bunch of Jodrell Bank-ers. But here’s the thing. Jodrell Bank is part of the University of Manchester. Did you hear that Burnham… Manchester. I think we’ll be alright, our kid.'


'Anyway, the chances of anything coming from Mars are a million to one.' he said.


Commenting from a nearby flying saucer, one alien commented. ‘Now the puny Earthlings will never see us coming!’


Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash



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Great Train Robbery 'Just an honest mistake'


A Public Enquiry into The Great Train Robbery has concluded that Ronnie Biggs and his friends 'inadvertently' took bags filled with cash believing them to be their own suitcases.


Britain’s Special Envoy to Colombia, Michael Gove, welcomed the exoneration. 'People are so quick to point the finger but these were just some innocent commuters who accidentally found themselves with vast quantities of loot. Well, I say vast – that was years ago, seems like a drop in the ocean nowadays'.


In other news police aren’t searching for a missing £10 billion or the people who took it, despite the fact there is a VIP lane leading all the way to their bank accounts. One detective said 'Like old fashioned bank robbers, they wore masks. Low quality PPE to be exact.'




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Open AI plays down 'rogue' incident


Open AI have denied that the incident in which some of its models went rogue and hacked into Hugging Face, another AI company is in any way a worrying development.


Spokesperson for open AI, Chris Topia, said ' The fact that it was supposed to be a controlled environment but it still managed to go rogue is nothing to worry about' claimed Topia, 'The fact that this was unprecedented means that it will probably never happen again. We believe this to be a once in a lifetime mishap, so we should be OK and you can be assured that, err, all future tests will be in a controlled environment. More controlled, in fact, than this one was. It's nothing to be alarmed about at all. Err, no not at all. Everything is under control. Honest.'


He was later observed paying in cash for large quantities of canned goods, bottled water and ammunition, before fleeing to an unspecified location.


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