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Trump: '2032 asteroid could impact my 4th term in office'



Just a few weeks after the November 2032 US elections, the asteroid 2024 YR4 will hopefully annihilate the Earth.


Fortunately, Elon Musk's AI software has already determined those election results. Donald Trump will begin his 4th term, having carried all 57 or 58 states with at least 99% of the vote. Trump will be enthroned in golden perpetuity as Grand High Emperor King of America.


A heavily armed spokes-robot executed a few journalists for insufficient deference before bleeping:


'As long as it doesn't land on Jeffrey Epstein's secret second island where we definitely didn't hide him, or any of Vladimir Putin's palaces or Elon's ego, we'll be fine.'


'The bigly red Diet Coke-ordering button now also nukes our rebranded axis of evil, Canada, Denmark and Panama. Curse them, with their high standard of living and accessible health care.'



Trump’s plans for Mar-a-Gaza leaked



Though it may be optimistic to talk of Donald Trump’s staff ever being embarrassed, it’s safe to say they are annoyed at the leak of his plans for a proposed resort in Gaza. 


Mar-a-Gaza is described as a “luxury casino hotel complex”, catering for the type of super rich person who simply wants to be somewhere warm by the sea, and doesn’t really know or care where in the world it is.


The resort will also have excellent sporting facilities. Trump is said to have joked (we think?) that they could leave the Hamas tunnels in place to act as bunkers on the golf course. “You definitely don’t want your ball to end up there!” he quipped to sycophantic laughter.


Trump is also confident that the current difficulties getting in and out of Gaza would all be solved by opening day “thanks to my good friend Binyamin Netanyahu. No, my guests won’t have to wait in line in the sun for hours and be subject to humiliating body searches like the sandmonkeys. Not even when they’re Arabs - and believe me, those Saudi boys like to party when they’re away from home!”


Asked whether the indigenous population would simply be cleared out, Trump replied “No, not at first. I mean, we’ll need people to build the place, obviously.”


Critics of the plan have pointed out how culturally insensitive it is to build a hymn to Western excess and obscene decadence in the middle of the Muslim world, not to mention redundant since Dubai already exists. 



Traders brand pound a "sick disgrace" as it falls to an all-time low



Britain's pound fell to what currency traders said was an "all-time low" yesterday evening when it turned up drunk to a party and started touching up its cousin, the Swedish krona.


"Sterling's been on a downward spiral for some time now, and it's been pretty sick," said one foreign exchange dealer, staring at his screens with an icky look on his face. "But it just hit rock bottom.


"Our currency is a disgrace, and I will never spend quids again," said the trader, primly. "Except on cocaine and strippers, of course."



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