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AI Baby Zoomers Zooming off the Shelves



In revolutionary "out of the box" thinking, brand-new AI company, Approxomatons, has launched their latest product line: BabyBots, which literally come right out of a box.


Priced at an eye-watering £149,999, you might think that this (baby) booming new trend will be short lived, but a company spokesperson reveals:


'The average human baby costs £150,000 over a lifetime, so our BabyBots come with a cool £1 saving. Plus they don't poop or go to University, and they only cry when you want to get out of a work call. Not to mention, if you get bored, you can stuff them back in the box and get on with your life without screwing up an actual human being.'


When questioned whether this was all part of a plot to replace the workforce with AI bots by 2050, the BabyBot spokesperson laughed maniacally (or was it mechanically?) and hung up.


BREAKING NEWS: Reporter's house blown up by "rogue" droids, moments after hitting send on final article.



The Grauniad Christmas Appeal



This Christmas, we are appealing for money for a very important and most deserving cause.  It is a cause that we know is close to our readers hearts.


All around the world democracy is under threat from dictators, despots and desperadoes who spread their lies, half-lies and half-truths using dodgy social media sites, spam email and partisan, corrupt and biased media. There are broadcasters and newspapers controlled by shadowy conspiracy theorists, right wing think tanks, oligarchs, monopolists, fascists, misogynists, capitalists and nihilists.  But there is some good news.  This Christmas, YOU can help to stop the madness.


This Christmas, YOU can help to secure an impartial, independent and free press.  Please send your cheques, large or small, to The Guardian Christmas Appeal For The Guardian.


If you are considering leaving us a gift in your will, then please don't, unless you're already quite ill.  We can't wait for you to croak to get the money.


A gift of three pounds can buy a weekday copy of The Guardian to help wean someone off GB News.  Five pounds can pay to recycle a 'Save The Observer' placard.  Ten pounds can provide a journalist with software to check spellings.   Fifty pounds can subsidise a place at a Guardian lunch for a retired university vice chancellor.  And five million pounds could help to pay off the loans we took out for the printing press we bought to print The Guardian in that weird European Berliner size.


Your generosity can help teachers, civil servants, professors, local government workers, academics, social workers and lecturers everywhere, by providing a warm, fuzzy, left wing echo chamber for these marginalised groups.


Please help. A free press isn't free, so please give genetically. Thank you.


The Guardian



*The Guardian is registered as a charity and is regulated by the Charity Commission. The Guardian complies with the Fundraising Regulator’s code of practice on begging.



Dangerous organism found in thing



A Northampton/Southampton/Littlehampton woman has found a dangerous organism, believed to be an animal, reptile or possibly insect, in a thing that she bought from the shops/ordered online/received as a gift. A neighbour/family member/Good Samaritan phoned 999 and responders were despatched immediately.


The organism was captured/neutralised/liberated by staff from the fire service/nuclear and radiological protection board/RSPCA.


A spokesman said that media outlets tend to favour stories about dangerous organisms rather than more prosaic stories like ‘bananas found in pack of bananas’.  Dangerous thing stories are often an easy way to fill web pages/air time/billboards when there’s not much else going on.  Members of the public are reminded that incidents like this are extremely rare, and that there is no need to change their daily routine/prescription medicine/spouse.




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