‘London style buses’ to end rural homelessness

The government has promised that all areas of the country will have ‘London style buses’ and has committed funding to support this.

Regional bus nuts are beside themselves.   ‘We welcome London style buses,’ said a spokesman, ‘but we hope this is not about insisting that all buses are red.’  He resisted the temptation to say that the new plan was ‘just the ticket’.  ‘We must preserve diversity in regional bus colours.   And we don’t want those Boris buses.  The association is still too painful.’

Homelessness campaigners are looking forward to a comprehensive and countrywide night bus service.  This is because the cost of a ‘day-rider’ bus ticket is considerably cheaper than providing a hostel place. Night buses provide homeless people with a great alternative to sleeping in shop doorways, bushes or skips.  The buses are warm, fairly quiet (after closing time), and comfortable, although there is a continuing and unresolved issue about toileting facilities.

‘Londoners have it so easy,’ said Jim, a jobbing philosopher who sell his services door to door and who celebrates periods of rough sleeping.   ‘There are night buses all through the night. The routes are long and windy and the buses are very slow.  You can get on at the start of the route and its two or three hours until you get chucked off.  And you can usually get on another bus and keep going.  Three bus rides and you’ve had a very solid night’s sleep.  When are these new London style buses starting?   I bet it’s not for ages.’

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Elon Musk “mostly rich from posting feet on OnlyFans”

Elon Musk admitted today that the bulk of his fortune comes not from Tesla or SpaceX, and certainly not from X (formerly Twitter), but from posting pictures of his feet to OnlyFans. 

“I don’t know why you guys are so surprised,” Musk told reporters today. “SpaceX makes huge losses, even when we manage to launch a rocket without it blowing up. Tesla just had to issue the sixth recall this year for the Cybertruck. And don’t get me started on X, which even landmine manufacturers won’t advertise on now.

”Yeah, things were looking pretty bleak until I realised I could make serious dough posting pictures of my feet. 

“Gotta be honest, I never thought they were that attractive. But it seems like there are some weird people out there. And most of them follow me on X already, so it was easy to send them a link to my new site.

”Since then, it’s been my only reliable income stream, pretty much subsidising all the businesses I’m running into the ground.

”I thought I might have to take a break over the summer when I got athlete’s foot, but, er… did I mention there are some weird people out there?”

Asked whether he knows of any other famous people posting pics of their feet, he grinned and said he couldn’t betray a confidence.

”Let’s just say, he doesn’t dye his whole body the same orange as his face.”

image from pixabay

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Supermarket gets 'down and dirty' to lure in value conscious customers

One of the country’s large supermarket chains is making new efforts to lure in shoppers looking for bargains.

‘We know that life is tough,’ said a spokeman. ‘Our bills are going up all the time and its probably the same for our customers.

‘We are adjusting our retail proposition to reflect how tough things are. Shoppers need bargains.  There’s no loyalty any more.  Cheapest sausage wins.

‘Our re-modelled stores will strongly signal our value-led proposition. The stores will be cold, so wear a thick coat. Or buy one on the way round. The lights will be dim, so you can’t read the small print on your ultra-processed ready meals.  Tinned goods will have foreign labels, which makes them look cheap straight away.  Our fruit and veg will have a homely, no-nonsense, kicked-about-a-bit vibe.

‘As shoppers can’t afford real food, we will have pallets of cheap stuff – strange rubbery sweets, off brand chocolates, Bulgarian lager and unusually flavoured potato-based snack substitutes. We will show that the stuff is cheap by selling it straight from the cardboard boxes. We can’t afford to pay staff to put stuff on shelves any more.

‘We don’t want to embarrass our customers about things they can’t afford, so we will be removing 'aspirational' products. That’s basically anything that Waitrose sells.

‘We are going back to basics - booze, pastry, stodge and fat. We are targeting shoppers with a BMI over 30, or a family BMI over 120.   These people eat more stuff and they buy more stuff, so it makes commercial sense.  Skinny dieters can buy our overpriced slimming meals if they want, but they aren’t a key demographic for us any more.

‘We will also be reducing in store cleaning, to make the shops a bit dirtier, so it looks like we are making savings too.   Puddles of stuff in the aisles will make shopping a bit more of an adventure.  We will also be hiring more unkempt and slightly threatening staff - so customers know we don't waste money on them.  We will be retain the customer support desks, but we won’t be staffing them.

‘Finally, I’d like to talk about pricing.   Some people have suggested that a ‘value’ offer should include lower prices.  Given that the government has massively increased our wage bill and property costs, I must make it clear that the one thing we won't be doing is cutting prices.  We will, in fact, be raising prices, with the aim of fuelling inflation and teaching the government a solid lesson in basic economics.’

image from pixabay