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Microsoft presses big red ctrl/alt/del button


An overzealous intern at Microsoft has crashed the internet, after looking for the button that switches on the aircon. Upon spying a big red button, Michaela Spark (24) plunged the world into IT chaos and still failed to cool the room. This was all despite the warning sign - 'only use in the event of the Jeffrey Epstein files being released'.



The absence of Microsoft in all our lives meant that for a brief moment, we were happy again. Birds sang, deer frolicked and we did not have to wait for another update. However, the impact on the NHS was significant, as it was still running on Windows 95 and a bootleg copy of Doom.



Microsoft reassured users that the error was only temporary and Michaela would be transferred to Reprographics. It still does not resolve the issue of how to safely switch off Microsoft, said an employee: 'We plan to use the technique we use to turn off Bill Gates - we just put him in a room with a woman who hasn't been sex trafficked.'


Radical re-financing plan for Thames Water


Thames Water is saddled with billions in debt and shareholders will not provide any more cash for the deeply challenged company.



Upgrading water pipes, stopping leaks, and preventing sewage spills will cost billions, and the company has no obvious way of getting the money.   The last hope was a massive hike in customer bills, but the regulator has said no to that.



In the face of these enormous financial challenges, the company is suggesting a novel solution to its liquidity problems.



Instead of hiking customer bills, the company is proposing to stop all spending on providing clean drinking water.   Under the plan, the water provided to customers would still be suitable for laundry, washing the car, flushing the loo, and watering the garden, but it wouldn’t be safe to drink.



The company says that consumers will be able to buy water very cheaply from supermarkets, to use for drinking and cooking.   The extra cost for the average consumer will be much lower than paying Thames Water to clean the water properly.  The company can then use the money saved to pay for all those extra pipes, paying interest on its debts, and paying dividends to shareholders again.



A spokesman said, ‘I know you might expect a water company to deliver clean drinking water to its customers, and this is something we aspire to do again in future.  In the short term, we will prioritise dealing with sewage spills, and all the other tedious stuff that the regulator is banging on about.



‘We need the regulator to endorse our exciting and innovative plan in full, and not to water it down.’


Fermat's Last Cat



It turns out that Schrödinger's cat was alive and well, but just lost.  When the box was opened there was no sign of a dead cat.  However, it has been impossible to find the original (presumably live) one either.  Fermat asserted that it was impossible for any cat to exist in a cube-shaped box or a box of any shape and of any number of dimensions other that a flat one with zero volume and claimed to have a discovered a proof of this, although 'there wasn't enough space to write it down', even though there was (or had been) apparently sufficient room for a cat, even if not sufficient room to swing one.  Some have nicknamed it 'Fermat's Lost Cat', and there is ongoing debate whether a lost cat is the same thing as a missing cat or a dead cat, and whether a missing cat can be counted as alive or dead.   


It was just the same when the new owner of the box, Sir Keir Starmer, opened it and claimed that, as promised, the cat was indeed in there, but very, very small - so small as to be invisible and just about undetectable, and might indeed. actually be dead, or at least broken.


'The cat would need to be much larger if it is to be found, and its state of health determined.  So clearly, the answer is that what is essential for this, now, is growth.'




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