Moulin Rouge sails down - Basque separatists claim responsibility

For the first time in 130 years, at 2am on Wednesday night everything came off at the Moulin Rouge.

The sexy Parisian landmark - known in a thick local dialect as T' Red Windmill - lost its iconic sails, and therefore its ability to supply green energy to the artistic powerhouse that is Montmartre. Luckily, the erotic cabaret venue was able to switch to a backup supply, known as blue energy.

The Mayor of another French city has given her full support, and offered to pick up the slack in the dangerous under-supply of emergency risqué dance routines. 'At this orrifc time, our éxotic Moulin Rouge really needs a leg-up,' she said with a superfluous accent. 'We must, and we will elp. And if anyone can, Cannes can.'

Penises have been pointed at who is responsible for this tragedy, but unfortunately there is no French word for the word sabotage. The French centre right blamed the far right, and the far right blamed the foreigners. The centre left blamed Basque separatists, and Basque separatists blamed themselves. Importantly, the English far right intervened to blame Angela Rayner, and Piers Morgan blamed Meghan Markle's frilly knickers.

The actual mastermind behind this act of terrorism admitted, 'You're only s'posed to blow the bloody drawers off.'

image from pixabay

Restaurant inexplicably refusing to use £ signs on menu

There is absolutely no reason, apart from utter pretentiousness and a desire to appear trendy for not using the £ sign in front of any items on their food and drink menus, a restaurant has confirmed.

The Hog and Farrier , an upmarket eaterie in Hoxton, London, serves sliders (8.5 each) artisan cheeseboards (16), grazing platters. (13.25) and mixed mezes (11.75) alongside craft beers (4-6.25 per schooner) carefully curated by a resident hop sommelier.

‘We haven’t used £ signs in front of our menu prices for some time now’ said Martin Da Costa, Deputy Libation and Gastronomy Manager. ‘It definitely makes us seem more edgy somehow, and elevates the description of our food items to an even higher level.

‘ ‘3 kinds of olives, infused with Mediterranean oils and topped with soft organic feta’, sounds so much more appealing when it’s followed by 9.5, instead of £9.50.’

‘There’s that added air of mystery to it with the customer left to work out whether it is £, euros, dollars, maybe even Saudi riyals, or Mexican pesos’, continued Da Costa.

‘If you gave me 1.00 for every time I was asked when we were going to stop this pretentious practice of not using £ signs on our menus, I’d be a rich man’, concluded Da Costa.

image from pixabay

Ginsters 'taste the airfart' campaign follows through

Pie-making heroes of the FMCG (Fartal Movement Consumer Goods) market, Ginsters have struck 'above the line' advertising gold. By using an unidentifiable regional British accent, what could easily have been misconstrued as 'taste the effort' has transitioned into the unmistakable national 'airfart' campaign.

In addition, newly poached Marketing Director, Janice Short, is straining every sinew to slash costs at Ginsters. 'My specialist experience in shrinkflation at Toblerone has been key,' said Short. My masterstroke there was replacing chocolate with air by spacing narrower chunks further apart. But here at Ginsters we had to completely remove pie contents and retool production line workers to guff broken wind into pies.

'Profit margins soared, the ad campaign flowed naturally from that, research and development went off the scale, and we are about to release something really big. We're branding it the Nasty Pasty.

But there has also been an unforeseen benefit to science. Because of the diversity hiring policy at this company, it has been proven that people bottom burp in different accents. And the same is true of front bottom burps as well. Once one attunes one's ears, the expulsion from a Cornish masterbaker sounds rather different to that of a Mancunian pastry roller.

'Our out of quality control department continues to work closely with Oxford University to establish if regional aromas also have accents. That would be a real breakthrough. Can't you just smell something huge coming my way?'

Image: SylwesterL - Pixabay

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