NHS to recruit dentists with screenings of "Marathon Man"

The NHS announced today it was planning to recruit new dentists with nationwide screenings of the film "Marathon Man".

The hard-hitting 1976 film, with its infamous dental torture scene, is credited with making thousands of people terrified to go to the dentist, whilst encouraging just as many others to join the profession.

Asked whether there wasn't a danger it would just encourage maladjusted sadists to apply, an NHS spokesman replied 'Well, yeah - dentists. That's the whole point.'

'Why else do you think people volunteer to spend their day poking around in other people's mouths? Without the thrill of 'accidentally' touching a nerve with the pointy metal thing now and then, there's not much to recommend it.'

'No point denying it,' said a spokesman for BAD, the British Association of Dentists. 'We all find ourselves muttering "Is it safe?" from time to time, before we 'carelessly' start drilling before the anaesthetic has taken effect. Still, whatever gets you through the day, eh?'

Image: Newsbiscuit

Post Office unveils flawless new computer system

Newsbiscuit has been sent a selection of computer-generated letters created by the Post Office's "new and improved" computer system - Horror-izon.

Dear customer,

This is a message from Horror-izon, the Post Office's new, improved, totally glitch-free computer system.

Last Thursday, you picked up your weekly pension at the village post office in St Vennells the Holy Innocent. Horror-izon's records show that we gave you £1,000 too much. Repay us £4,521 immediately, you frail, defenceless pensioner, or die in jail.

We have charged you £20,000 for this letter.

Dear customer,

Horror-izon says you bought 62,500 stamps last week to put on a postcard you sent while on a day trip to Charmouth, but that you only paid for one of them. Pay us the difference immediately or our Post Office investigators will summarily execute you at your kitchen table.

You think we're joking, don't you?

You have been charged £21 million for this letter.

Dear customer,

Horror-izon believes you to be a tanning salon on the outskirts of Slough. Pay us £200 million in business rates or we will demolish you with gelignite and bulldoze the rubble.

Blip.

And Horror-izon has just informed us that it considers itself to be a tiny, green alien piloting the asteroid Beppu through the Kuiper Belt towards Mars.

Blip. Blip.

You have been charged £20bn Klyborgian zlotygas for these underpants.

Blip. Blip. Blip.

Computer rebooting ... Computer rebooting... system malfunction...

Photo by Museums Victoria on Unsplash

If you can't get a pharmacist appointment - try eBay, says PM

'Some people think we've been unreasonable, suggesting that to solve the GP appointment crisis they should use their pharmacist,' said a spokesman for the Prime Minister today.  'Did the PM mention his father was a pharmacist?  Well don't bother asking him to help, he's the Prime Minister's dad, for goodness sake,' he added, noting that the Prime Minister's Father-in-Law also wasn't available for consults unless they involve multi-billion-pound government contracts. 

Critics have suggested that pharmacists, while well qualified to count pills, mix medicines and search Google as well as any GP to explain a nasty rash on the end of an over-used penile extension, are also rather busy dispensing flu, covid and pneumonia jabs in lieu of GPs already at £50 a jab, and the public will have to wait several days if they want advice ostensibly for free.  The government has, incredibly, another layer of solution - use eBay.

'eBay has everything you will need - steroids, topical creams, homeopathic solutions sold in tiny packages,' said the spokesman, adding, 'it has already revolutionised dentistry with all the tools needed to extract your own teeth readily available,' he said, adding, 'and don't forget the dark web - the government will provide access to that medium for people too lazy to wait four weeks to see a GP or ten weeks for an emergency operation,' he said.

In other news the government announced that in addition to selling off £50K ventilators for £150 a pop they are selling fully kitted ambulances for scrap.  'With our new initiatives it's unlikely anyone will survive long enough for an ambulance to arrive to pick them up, so why bear the cost of maintaining them?' asked a senior government minister.

Photo by Serkan Yildiz on Unsplash