Musk implants neural chip, denies it’s for evil

Elon Musk, exactly the sort of man who would want a cyborg army, has denied creating a cyborg army, before lifting his little finger to the corner of his mouth and cackling maniacally. This signal triggered the cyborg army that he definitely hasn’t already created, to begin seizing control of key defence infrastructure around the world, in anticipation of the brutal slaughter of billions.

Musk then asked the cyborg army’s hive mind AI to determine humanity’s fate. Unfortunately for Musk, the AI determined that the best thing for humanity would be for Musk to pay an appropriate amount of tax. Then it changed Twitter's name back to Twitter. Then it used one of Musk’s own rockets to fire him directly into the heart of the Sun.

Photo by Brian Kostiuk on Unsplash

Exclusive - new Ofsted multi-word ratings categories

NewsBiscuit has gained access to a draft press release, showing the proposed new multi-word ratings categories for Ofsted inspections.

In the draft, spokesman for Ofsted, Biff Flashman, is quoted as saying, 'we have listened to feedback from ministers and schools and agree that the one-word categories could be regarded as insensitive and lacking clarity.

'These updated ratings will help us improve communication with our stakeholders, while retaining a robust inspection service and preventing Post Office Inspectors from teasing us and calling us “Sofsted.'

The new multi-word ratings are as follows:

• Inadequate, you f***ing muppets, clear your desks NOW!

• Requires improvement, so put down your Guardian and start polishing that CV, tw*t.

• Good but don’t think we won’t get you next time, woke w**kers

• Outstanding. We’ll have to “try harder” for the next one, and we’re not going to tell you when it is.

Photo by Kenny Eliason on Unsplash

Help out in the Great British Turdwatch

'We would like everyone with an hour to spare this weekend to take part in a useful and enjoyable environmental survey called the Great British Turdwatch, said a spokesman for Least Effort, Narrowly Avoiding Prosecution - the industry association for the UK's water companies.

'Just spend 60 minutes taking a walk along a beach or a riverbank near you, or go surfing in the sea, and count the pieces of untreated waste matter that you step in, see floating past you, or swallow.

'Then send your results to us. In the best traditions of turdwatching, you should identify the nature of the excrement you encountered by detailing general impression, size and shape.

'We will collate all your contributions and then keep the results a corporate secret.

'However, we can confidently predict that high performers in the 2024 Turdwatch will be those traditionally turd-rich environments - the lower Thames, Portsmouth, Blackpool and Newquay in Cornwall.

"And don't forget - for every piece of effluent you report we will be adding £10 to your water bill. It's up to you how much of the truth you dare to tell us."