King to have Nicholas Witchell's head removed from rectum

King Charles was today taken to hospital to have one-time journalist Nicholas Witchell's head removed from his rectum.

The Palace was keen to stress this was not an emergency, merely dealing with a problem the King's physicians have been aware of for some years.

A ginger growth in the royal passage was first detected in 1998, when Witchell gave up journalism to become the BBC's Royal Correspondent. Later scans showed a strip of red so long it was initially mistaken for a red carpet, but turned out to be Witchell's tongue.

Witchell's editors at the BBC say this casts his claim to have been privy to "backstairs gossip" in an entirely new light.

Physicians say the King should be much more comfortable after the operation, though he might find the BBC's coverage isn't so fawning and uncritical any more, to which he replied "Oh God, really? Any chance we could put it back?"

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X-59 jet reduces supersonic smell of bullsh*t

An aircraft which can fly at supersonic speeds without unleashing the foul stench of explosive bullsh*t has been unveiled by NASA's Skunk Works unit.

'This is the holy grail of military travel,' said Bobby Eggplant, NASA's head of smell suppression. 'What America requires is a fast jet which doesn't come with the overwhelming fib of a "precision strike" ahead of it. Sometimes, there is a boom in civilian casualties before the words "limited collateral damage" escape a President's lips.'

'Personally, I would have gone the other way on this project,' interjected the UK's top aircraft development engineer, Basil Brush.

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Subpostmasters advised to “pay extra to guarantee receiving compensation”

Subpostmasters who were wrongly accused of embezzlement because of a flaw in the Horizon computer system, have been told they can guarantee getting their compensation sooner by making an extra payment.

“it’s not compulsory, of course,” said a spokesman for the Post Office. “You can just sit tight, secure in the knowledge that you’ll probably receive it. Eventually.

“But given the amount of money involved, we do recommend paying extra for a secure method. That way it’ll also be insured.”

One subpostmaster complained that despite paying a fortune to get his compensation the next day, all he got was a card through his letterbox.

”I was sitting there in silence, alert for the slightest noise of footsteps on the garden path. Yet somehow, when I got up to put the kettle on, there was a card on the mat saying ‘Sorry we missed you’. These people are bloody ninjas.

“And the card tells me to go to an office that’s ten miles away, not on any bus routes, and not open on any of the days I’m not working.”

image from pixabay