Quintuple A Stars for Quentins and Tarquins everywhere

The wealthy parents of privileged children have been posting insufferable guff on Instagram as A level results are published in England, #deserved #blessed

Many of the schools that those children were sent to have annual fees in the tens of thousands of pounds - thus, for tax purposes, these schools pretend to be charities. Meanwhile, children from underprivileged backgrounds who achieve even better results can look forward to being unable to afford the cost of university.

Tabloid photo editors confirmed that they were only looking for 'posh leggy blondes, either jumping or hugging', for their front pages, with one hack noting 'some of those fine fillies can aspire to becoming the wives of the stockbrokers, management consultants and Tory MPs of the future. Huzzah! '

Photo by Ivan Aleksic on Unsplash

Wedding guests bullied into giving cash not gifts with angry poem in invitation

Guests attending the wedding of lovebirds Anna and Jamie have been explicitly instructed to supply cash to the happy couple NOT physical gifts - with a charming but angry poem in the invitation.

Rebecca is an old friend of Anna's and went to a cash point as soon as she got her invite through despite the actual wedding being several months away: 'I already have the money in an envelope ready to go. I'm terrified I'll forget it. I'm not sure what the penalty is for late payment and I don't want want to find out. Normally I would find it a bit rude if a friend demanded money from me but because they put it in a cute semi-rhyming poem on high quality embossed card I can't hold it against them. It reads as follows:

We can't wait to spend our special day with you, But please let us give you a little tip or two, Having you there on our wedding day, Is all we really need, but please let us say: We don't want your shite gifts We want cold hard CASH you can shove all those b*llocks wedding gifts up your arse we don't want them if you're coming to eat and drink in 5* luxury at our expense the least you can do is give us £100 for the privilege you tight b*stards.

Carriages at midnight. RSVP to wewantcash@hotmail.com'.

The happy couple are planning a honeymoon in Barbados with their winnings where they want to thank their benefactors by posting a series of smug pictures on Instagram followed with #blessed. When they return they are considering buying their first house so are already planning an extravagant anniversary party with a similar money extortion sub-plot.

Image: katavaciya/Pixabay