'We'd just watched Time Team to take our minds of the Lecky bill and the cost of the weekly shop when I had a lightbulb moment. I realised that we needed to dig deep into the back of the larder, that box on top of the high fridge, my husband's car boot and the chest freezer in the garage. 'I thought we might find a few forgotten food items to save us a bit, but we found loads of stuff. And some of it was still in date. We were minted to find so many cans of peas, from when Da

Mars is expected to launch its Earth II space probe in the next few days sending four life-forms to the Moon where it hopes to establish a permanent lunar base once planning permission is sorted. The ultimate aim is to use a Martian presence on the Moon to launch an ambitious mission to Earth where Mars believes there may be life, apart from the region known as Crawley. A trip to Earth presents many obstacles for the Martian life forms. Chief among them is the weather. On Mar

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In a Panorama exclusive tonight, after three and a half years of meticulous investigation, Laura Kuenssberg finally reveals what the cameras in the House of Commons are actually recording – a carefully staged, partly improvised showcase of what might happen in that grand building if we actually had a proper government. Through interviews with the show’s writers, Richard Curtis, Jo Brand, E L James and Gary Delaney, and explorations of the daily lives of actors Pev Datel (Rish

Following the news that BBC bosses were aware of allegations against Radio 2 DJ Scott Mills long before they acted, the BBC has issued a statement promising they will “panic much sooner” next time. Mills’ case follows those of Huw Edwards, Gregg Wallace, Rolf Harris, Jimmy Savile and pretty much any presenter you see on Top of the Pops 2. In future, the BBC says it will throw the individual concerned under the bus the moment they hear the flimsiest allegation against them, wi

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The Chief Executive of Tottenham Hotspur has confirmed the club are in talks with a French stop motion character with a view to becoming their next full time manager. Majority shareholders ENIC say the as yet unnamed Frenchman, who is currently out of work after leaving his post as a fairground manager is available to take over at Spurs immediately and is considered by the Tottenham board to be the perfect fit to revive the fortunes of the ailing EPL club. Chief Executive Ven

A BBC spokes-apologist said 'Like unnecessarily harrowing public information films, historic sex offences used to take place in the 1970s. However time has passed and you are old. Bands that were played unironically on Radio 1 are now being played unironically on Radio 2. Similarly, DJs that were sex criminals working at Radio 1 have now become sex criminals working at Radio 2. You may not like it, but like S Club 7, historical sex crimes can now have taken place in the 2000s

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Stretching many to breaking point, various media platforms have pledged to tell only the truth - as a ‘hilarious’ prank - on 1st April. Unable to use any of their regular programming, Fox News will show ‘Test Card F’ - the girl and creepy clown doll playing noughts and crosses because, presumably, every else is dead. A Fox News spokesman said ‘Post-apocalyptic horror is our jam anyway. The girl is white, so our viewers will be in their comfort zone.’ Every professionally furi

Aries You will go to bed expecting WW3 will happen in your sleep; and that you'll wake up dead, however the Today programme will reveal that Trump was full of crap and his threats were as hollow as his head. Taurus Stop lying about liking aubergines, it will end up in a 35 year relationship with a Greek man that will be a bit of trial, to be honest. Gemini Your best professions are PR and hermits. Your adversaries are journalists, TV executives, family members and the public.

Food waste collections are set to require all households to produce 2000 gallons of oil, per fortnight. The ongoing war in the Middle East has cut the global supply by 5%, meaning British households will need to make up the shortfall by recycling salad dressing and ghee. The basic ratio each home must generate is 100,000 bacon butties a week, just to keep up. The bin itself will be the size of three moderately sized tankers and will be part of your normal collection cycle-pro

Well, for the first time in a long time, we have a new WOTM. Well done jeremynh with a cracking score. To be fair, Desktop didn't give you an easy ride. Brilliant efforts both, as well as everyone else who was published in March. Keep it up! As usual the Cartoon of the Month follows the list of links to all the subs, then the full list of headlines published this past month Front Page, News in Brief and Features Adrian Bamforth Found Doctor Who episodes to be lost again an