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The Foreign Office explained: 'Technically snow has been around a little bit longer than Russia, but we needed a strong optic, to show the Ukraine we care - but not too much. 'Henceforth all snow will be banned from the UK and is to be replaced with grated coconut. All snowmen will be shot as spies. Ironically the chief exporter of coconut is based in Moscow, but its the performative gesture that counts'. Image: Unsplash/Andrey Bond www.newsbiscuit.com First published 27 Mar

President Donald Trump is set to release a new tranche of documents from the Epstein files this week to distract the public from the war in Iran, which he initially started to distract the public from the Epstein files. Despite their incriminating nature, including one image allegedly showing the President floating in Epstein's pool on an inflatable banana, it's hoped the latest release will bump the Middle Eastern blunders off the front pages, at least for a few days. Speaki

'We realise that Google executive Matt Brittin has zero experience in the broadcasting sector,' said a spokesman for the BBC Board of Governors, while placing burning matches between the new Director-General's toes, 'but Matt proved that he's a voracious glutton for punishment and that's exactly what the job entails. 'He impressed us right off the bat at the interview when he entered the room with a bed of nails and lay down on it before demonstrating his ability to walk over

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'I thought I'd go for a round in that Persian Gulf,' Trump told a collection of attentive tee pegs. 'But boy, was it hard. Too many water hazards and sand traps. I gave it my best shot - about 15,000 shots with Tomahawk missiles and such like, but I just ended up getting stuck in the rough. 'I guess I'll have to do what I always do when I'm losing - pick up my ball and walk away, saying I won. I'll put it down on my scorecard as twelve under par. 'From now on, I'll be play

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Angry French protestors have taken to the streets of Bordeaux after the government imposed a rather indifferent pot-au-feu that may have been over seasoned. Cars were set alight and buildings ransacked as furious pensioners demanded a simple but rather delicious confit de canard. A spokesperson said: ‘Macron is forcing Pinot Noir down our throats, and it tastes a bit corked. We've had an œuf.' The French government is asking people to emulate British protestors by staying at

The newly launched app-based 'First UK Cyberbank' says that it could not find a sassy, wacky and cheeky name, because all the good ones had gone. And it isn't thrilled with its initials, either. 'People will still remember Goldfish, Egg and Smile,' said a spokes-suit. 'Online customers know about Starling and Atom and Zilch and Biscuit and Monzo and Revolut. We wanted a short, memorable and snappy name too, but it was not to be. 'Our preferred list of names included Zing, B

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US ConstitutionBritain's National Lottery has unveiled a new contest based on the next power-crazed thing that comes into Donald Trump's tiny mind. 'We're playing for high stakes here,' said a spokes-scratchcard for the organisation. 'For instance, had we been playing the game last month and someone guessed that Trump would start a war with Iran, they would have scooped half a million quid. 'From now on, if you correctly guess that Trump will suspend the US constitution and m

An international coalition of countries has announced its audacious plan to get ships moving through the Strait of Hormuz again. Instead of spending billions to defend the shipping lanes with warships, the coalition will pay famous rock groups and boy bands to escort the ships through. The reasoning is that Iran would not risk harming K-pop bands like BTS, or iconic groups like Dire Straits. A spokesman said, ‘Yes, the cost is enormous, but it’s still much cheaper to pay the

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