In one of Nature's most frightening feats of adaptive mutation, the Coronavirus is now assuming forms never seen before. "We fear it could have insinuated itself into telemarketing or even be selling you double glazing", says epidemiologist Dr Mark Boyle. "We urge the public to be constantly vigilant". Paranoia has gripped the nation. There are rumours that the virus could now be reading the news on Sky or posing as a junior minister. Police have called for calm after after a

.

.

.

'I come down here every day to pick up any piece of flotsam lying about which might be of use to me," Nigel Farage told reporters at a press conference on the beach at Clacton, carrying a bucket and a litter-picking stick. 'It's really quite amazing, the stuff you can find washed up on thr shore which was swept overboard from the sinking Tory ship. 'I've found a bedraggled Nadine Dorries and an oil-soaked Lee Anderson, and earlier this year I picked up a semi-comatose Danny K

.

With councils across the country making cuts to refuse collections across the board, it's making working out when the black bin is due to be put out difficult to anyone without a working knowledge of combinatorial mathematics.  Probability theory and Riemann diagrams help, especially when factoring in the green waste, which is on a different periodicity to the black bin, and glass, which alternates with paper, which occurs every other plastics collection. Universities are run

'It's the geopolitical equivalent of pin the tail on the donkey' bemoaned one US general, over the high pitched sound of Donald Trump's giggling. The General sighed and gave the President a lollipop for not soiling himself The world map - a flat Earth - was of dubious quality, with many countries known by their MAGA names and New Zealand omitted altogether.  Russia is known as 'Our Good Friend Putin's Russia'. So is Ukraine, Belarus and everything in between Moscow and Berlin

Those wise old proverbs. Often helpful. But also often not so helpful. You know. On the one hand, you should ‘look before you leap’. But on the other hand, ‘he who hesitates is lost’. So – none the wiser then! And there’s ‘out of sight, out of mind’, which seems at odds with ‘absence makes the heart grow fonder’. And ‘better safe than sorry’ seems to contradict ‘nothing ventured, nothing gained’. It’s starting to seem like these proverbs were just made up by someone t

In a landmark European Court decision, sporting giant Adidas has not only won protective status for their three stripe logo, but has also...

.

.

.

The government is taking action on potholes. A spokesman told us, 'Potholes are a big issue on the doorstep, and in the road.  We're keen to show that we're addressing the everyday issues, like potholes, that affect hard-working families.  And working people.  And NASCAR Dads.  And Mondeo man. 'Was Mondeo man invented by a focus group?  Never mind. 'The great thing about potholes is that we know where we stand.  Potholes are bad.  There are no good potholes.  And potholes are

With the Iranian regime at an inflection point, the Ayatollah has reached out to former British Prime Minister Boris Johnson for help. 'We are concerned that the insurgency will succeed, so we need to destabilise it before it is too late,' said a spokesman for the regime.  'The last time Boris intervened he resulted in the arrest of a British subject who was on the cusp of being allowed home.  That's the kind of incompetence we require.  We are begging Mr Johnson to interfere

A spokesman for Reform said: 'This confirms we are a clear alternative to the Conservative Party. By having exactly the same policies and the same personnel.' This has left some voters confused: 'So, in the next election I can vote out my sitting MP, by voting in my current MP but with a different rosette?'  The founding members of Reform are feeling somewhat outnumbered by the flood of Tories, that many are considering defecting to the Conservative Party - which is now just