On the 44th anniversary of the launch of the Sinclair Spectrum, aging gamers have been lamenting the loss of the iconic micro-computer online. 'If it was still supported it would run Twitter no problem, only nicer,' said one Spectrum fan. Another noted that 'it would have been a natural at emails, YouTube and PowerPoint, although saving to cassette might be a bit of a bind in this day and age. Apparently it failed not because of technological issues - ram pack wobble is now

The owners of online pub car park, Twitter, have taken a break from egging on fights between punters to launch a whip round to buy celebrity entrepreneur Elon Musk, to add to their collection of freakshow exhibits. Twitter's Board of Directors announced yesterday that they had raised $132bn from the tips jar and the condom machine in the gents, which should be enough to buy most of his body and remaining hair, but leaving out his genitals, nostrils and brain 'for obvious reas

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King Charles has been given a Blue Peter badge for protecting nature and the environment. But Blue Peter viewers are not sure that the award is deserved, and are concerned about the BBC's motivation. 'We're not stupid,' said Noah, aged 7. ' We've all done Key Stage 1 Media Studies. We know that charter renewal is coming up. And we know that there is a tension between the palace and the Beeb. The BBC has covered Andrew's childish behaviour extensively, and they've also given a

WINNER: It's hard to explain to a girl. It's like a typewriter that can talk to other typewriters (Sinnick) RUNNERS UP: Dave and Julie had begun to run out of conversation topics as Windows Updates entered its third hour. (sydalg) After Darren's garlic lunch, Debbie wished they could go back to having Zoom meetings (robfalconer) You see Claire, mansplaining is when a man explains something to a woman who already understands the situation (joe)

The Prime Minister is to reintroduce 2,000 year-old pagan religion to Britain and has already started by making the first human sacrifice. Prime Druid Sir Keir Starmer performed the Celtic-style ritual at the Despatch Box in the Commons on a pleasantly boring civil servant called Sir Olly Robbins. Starmer wished to appease the gods, having suffered terrible misfortunes after appointing Lord Mandelson as UK ambassador. "Those gods must have really had it in for High Priest Sta

Bram Stoker’s ghost has issued an apology after lodging the idea in people’s minds that crucifixes repel vampires and might be a symbol of virtue. ‘After watching America for a few years, and more recently Russell Brand, it seems that I was 180 degrees wrong about the Sign of the Cross’, his ghost told mediums. ‘It’s clearly displayed by the worst humans ever to befoul the earth. Sorry, my bad. ‘ I would also like to apologise for the poverty of my imagination. I honestly bel

A former New Jersey school superintendent who admitted to regularly pooping on school playing fields has developed a device that fits into the anus to enable poo to be extruded in a variety of unusual shapes. The man who now works as a cake decorator had his eureka moment when he read an article about square wombat plops and realised he would never have been caught if his turds were in aesthetically pleasing form. While applying royal icing to a wedding cake, it occurred to h

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An FA disciplinary panel has said hair pulling, Chinese burns and Kiss Chase should not be tolerated and will be considered a bookable offence during the 2026-27 season The panel stopped short of banning other childish games and pastimes but warned playground pursuits such as British Bulldogs and Hop Scotch could eventually be included to the list if they started creeping into the game.. A spokesman for the FA said that the pulling of hair was an ‘infringement’ and players ne

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The Grim Reaper has put his scythe aside for the time being and is looking at working to rule. 'It's always been my intention to team up with the four horsemen and take all humanity out in one big swing,' he said today, 'and to be honest I thought my time had come. the orange leader in the US was threatening to deploy nuclear weapons, was talking about destroying entire civilisations and, critically, seemed to have zero appreciation that these things tend to go badly. 'But t