Cake to become next PM

The birthday cake that Boris Johnson was given in June 2020 is tipped to be Britain's next Prime Minister, according to Downing Street insiders today.

Speaking from behind the bike sheds at no 10 and furtively sipping a glass of tap water, an aide said "the Party is looking for something bright, relatable and that everyone would fancy a bit of. The cake stands out way ahead of the other contenders, especially when it's candles are lit. Admittedly, it's a bit stale, the cream filling has gone off a bit by now and the whole thing will probably need to go in the bin soon, but then.. excuse me - hello Prime Minster! Yes of course it's vodka."

However, there is no guarantee that Britain can look forward to a sweet sponge-based government, as it's understood that the cake has also had a lucrative offer from the BBC to be its new chief political reporter, based on its skill in ambushing politicians.

Image: Pixabay/ulleo

Exhausted Boris Johnson plans short holiday in his office

An exhausted Boris Johnson is planning to spend a few days holidaying in his Downing Street office, to get some badly needed work-time and recover from the endless cycle of government parties over the past two years.

Johnson has been pictured recently, looking drawn and haggard, covered in paper streamers, slumped on a bean bag, holding a plastic cup full of red wine and a half-smoked cigarette.

A source said that the Prime Minister needs a short working break to recover from the gruelling schedule of food-fights, arse-photocopying and emergency danceathons that he has been subjected too as part of his Covid response work over the last two years.

"A few days relaxing and reading the papers in his private Downing Street office will help the Prime Minister recharge his batteries so that he can get back to the important job of putting on a pair of fake plastic tits and squirting cream all over them while shouting, "look at me boys, I'm Doris Johnson".

The source indicated that Mr. Johnson will also be taking up swimming, but what in, they didn't want to say.

Image: Pixabay/PublicDomainPictures

Chinese national trying to improperly influence politicians' claims corrupt UK government

A Chinese woman resident in the UK has been trying to improperly influence parliamentarians according to an interference warning issued by government.

'What she has been doing is unacceptable,' said a Downing Street source. 'She has followed all of the correct procedures and acted completely appropriately at all times, and that's just not the way we do things around here.'

'What she should have done is conducted herself in a shady, underhand manner and attempted to influence politicians in corrupt ways. She would have been much more successful if she had bribed us or thrown some sort of illegal party.'

Image: Pixabay/sarahlarkin