Top five theories about the 'security incident' at Fairford

On 29 September, 2026, a farmer near Fairford Air Base called 999 to report suspicious activity. No sensible explanation has been offered about the security operation that ensued, leading to wild speculation about what really happened.

Here are the top five theories about the events that night (credit to: Mumsnet, Mossad, What Van Monthly, TikTok and The East Gloucestershire Argus & Bugle):

1. It was an MI5 operation at Trump's request - there was no threat to the air base. The only reason was to hand the US President a cheeky sound bite.

2. Doggers tricked - they all thought that they were going dogging. They should have suspected something was wrong when they were asked to arrive topless and to bring three white vans and extra petrol.

3. Reality game show gone wrong - the men who were arrested were on a night exercise for the new low-budget reality show 'Hidden Treasure'. Channel 5 has refused to comment. The speculation about a foreign actor is believed to refer to Anton du Beke.

4. Delivery prank - local pranksters ordered petrol from Uber, Deliveroo and Whoosh for delivery at 1 am to Whelford village. It's amazing what sort of chaos you can cause for under fifty quid.

5. Google maps hack - computer hackers working for a hostile power hacked the mapping app to send unsuspecting van drivers to Fairford Air Base. I think we've all had the doubtful benefit of Google's fascination with single-lane farm tracks.

If you have any further information about these events, then please don't call Crimestoppers, because we've already had enough.

Image credit: deep dream generator

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Our guide to the Grand National runners 2026

As the evenings lighten, the attention of the horse racing community turns to Aintree, and the traditional competition to provide the most ludicrously-named entry in this year's Grand National. Bet on any of these at your own risk...

Over by Easter  

An American nag, much-hyped but seems not to know where the winning post is, so not expected to finish as fast as the owners suggest. High likelihood of casualties. 1000-1

Over a Barrel

Middle Eastern rival to Over by Easter, a little slow out of the gate but looks to have staying power. Blinkered worldview limits popularity though. 50-1

Mission Accomplished

According to his owner, this horse has already won the Grand National, and will continue to win the race on a daily basis until well into 2027. The horse has blinkers, so that it can't see all the mad and ridiculous stuff that's going on around it. 200-1

Tesco Ready Meal

Very long odds on this one. The horse is past its prime and betting is focussing on how far round it will get before the inevitable visit from a friendly vet with a double-barrelled shotgun. Sired by Everyday Essentials Lasagne out of Nagetti Bolognese. 2000-1

Thames Water 

A controversial entry that has already been fined for leaking its own stamina. Spectators are advised to stay upwind, as the jockey is easily identifiable in his signature 'all-brown' silks—which the owners insist are 'organic highlights' and definitely not a discharge violation. 100-1

Keir Today Gone Tomorrow

The bookies' favourite for the first half of the race, despite having the largest handicap in the field. Statistically impressive but tactically baffling, this horse has started nine races and finished none. It is famous for sprinting with immense conviction toward the first hurdle before performing a graceful U-turn and galloping back to the start to explain its ‘new direction’ to the disappointed punters. 200-1

Fly me to the Moon

At $4bn probably the most expensive horse in the race this year, and with an eye-catching strategy to slingshot into the final furlong using only gravity, and its rear thrusters - that's horse-racing lingo for hind legs. Popular with the punters and could go all the way round, as long as it doesn't get stuck in the paddock while taking a dump. 4-1

The Grand Old Duke of York

A Royal-owned stallion that cost £7 million in 'maintenance fees.' It is an amorous horse but is physically incapable of perspiring, even after a four-mile gallop. It has no memory of meeting any of the other runners in the field, despite several grainy photos of it at a stable in New Jersey. 500-1

Stop The Boats

A loud, white horse that makes an incredible amount of noise in the paddock but does nothing once the race starts. It was recently sold to a Russian Investment group and is the only runner in the field that blames the hurdles for 'provoking' its fall. 500-1

Broadcasting Standards

Ridden by Barry Brighton-Collins. Despite its name, Broadcasting Standards has consistently failed to stay professional, having been disqualified from several previous races for 'inappropriate physical contact' in the stalls and a general refusal to remain impartial near the fillies. 25-1

The Minimum Wage

Despite being the smallest pony in the paddock, this is officially the heaviest horse in the race. It carries the weight of the entire UK economy on its back and usually collapses under the pressure at the three-mile mark, just as the owners are announcing a 'record-breaking' success. 300-1

Remember: When the fun stops, stop. Something for us all to think about...

Based on an original idea by sirlupus and with contributions from deskpilot, scottfutile, and sirlupus

Image credit: Wix AI

First BBQ of 2026 judged a roaring success

Despite the kettle BBQ being buried under boxes of so-called-sorting-out in the garage, a lack of briquettes and Dave's failure to pick any suitable food for cooking, the first BBQ of the year was declared a success.

'Sure we had to scavenge suitable combustible material from the shed next door - which is always left open, so it won't be missed when my neighbour returns from his Mediterranean break, or deployment as he insists on calling it. And kindling was salvaged by opening the Amazon parcels left outside the house across the road, saving the binmen from having to scatter them randomly on bin day. 

Traditionally the first BBQ of the year are the short-dated 'Whoops' specials bought at Asda last year in the summer sale. But they deputised for the turkey that Dave forgot to order at Christmas, so improvisation was in order.

'Two rashers of bacon found at the bottom of the salad drawer, definitely bought this year, twenty Quorn sausages and a box of cereal - the fake Shredded Wheat from Aldi the kids won't eat - formed the basis of the meal,' he added.

Despite failing to buy coals, briquettes and, indeed, food Dave did remember to pop into the off-licence to buy two crates of Stella, a bottle of Bailey-like Irish cream and a litre of no-name Vodka meaning the afternoon got off to a good start, especially when Dave's wife, Sheila, finally succeeded in siphoning a bottle of unleaded from next door's Mini to help light the barbecue.

The attendance of the Fire Service for the first time this year, and an ambulance visit to address Sheila's reflux from swallowing petrol and second degree burns from lighting the BBQ, and the police stopping by regarding some BS reports about petty vandalism and theft of Amazon parcels made the event feel, well, traditional.

Dave is resuming his campaign to stand as a Reform councillor in May's elections, pending bail.

Image credit: Wix AI