First BBQ of 2026 judged a roaring success

Despite the kettle BBQ being buried under boxes of so-called-sorting-out in the garage, a lack of briquettes and Dave's failure to pick any suitable food for cooking, the first BBQ of the year was declared a success.

'Sure we had to scavenge suitable combustible material from the shed next door - which is always left open, so it won't be missed when my neighbour returns from his Mediterranean break, or deployment as he insists on calling it. And kindling was salvaged by opening the Amazon parcels left outside the house across the road, saving the binmen from having to scatter them randomly on bin day. 

Traditionally the first BBQ of the year are the short-dated 'Whoops' specials bought at Asda last year in the summer sale. But they deputised for the turkey that Dave forgot to order at Christmas, so improvisation was in order.

'Two rashers of bacon found at the bottom of the salad drawer, definitely bought this year, twenty Quorn sausages and a box of cereal - the fake Shredded Wheat from Aldi the kids won't eat - formed the basis of the meal,' he added.

Despite failing to buy coals, briquettes and, indeed, food Dave did remember to pop into the off-licence to buy two crates of Stella, a bottle of Bailey-like Irish cream and a litre of no-name Vodka meaning the afternoon got off to a good start, especially when Dave's wife, Sheila, finally succeeded in siphoning a bottle of unleaded from next door's Mini to help light the barbecue.

The attendance of the Fire Service for the first time this year, and an ambulance visit to address Sheila's reflux from swallowing petrol and second degree burns from lighting the BBQ, and the police stopping by regarding some BS reports about petty vandalism and theft of Amazon parcels made the event feel, well, traditional.

Dave is resuming his campaign to stand as a Reform councillor in May's elections, pending bail.

Image credit: Wix AI