Grandad's Santa performance at primary school nominated for a BAFTA

Eric Siddings, 66, has been nominated for a BAFTA after producing a career defining performance as Santa at the local primary school.

'My last acting gig was aged ten as a surprisingly smooth-chinned Jesus at the school performance of the Last Supper,' said Siddings at a press conference today.  'I used my own beard,' the grey-chinned retired project manager added.  He explained how he'd stopped trimming his beard for the last two months, smoothing it down with engine oil in an attempt to ensure the children at the school didn't work out his ruse when he collected his grandchildren. 

'On the day of the performance I went full method, bulking myself with a folded one-tog duvet around the midriff and spiking my beard with lard from the fridge to access my inner Michael Sheen,' he said.  Early reviews included three children who had changed their mind about the existence of Santa, two who did believe reconsidering and an unknown number understood to be consulting with their legal teams.  Apparently, Christmas Day presents from Santa will determine whether multiple breaches of contract will be submitted.

'I think it went rather well,' said Siddings, shrugging the red suit off.  'I hope so because I don't want to spend the next fifty years waiting for the phone to ring.'

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Colin Farrell’s eyebrows and Keira Knightley’s chin to open acting school

They are two of the most successful acting body parts in Hollywood. Colin Farrell’s expressive eyebrows stole the show at The Banshees of Inisherin, even out-acting Brendan Gleeson’s bloody stump of a hand. Nobody could forget the tender angle they made as their human host cradled the body of his dead donkey, or the angry shape they formed as the human played by Farrell set Gleeson’s cottage ablaze.

Now Farrell’s eyebrows are to share acting tips with a new generation of thespians. They will be joined by Keira Knightley’s chin, which has wowed audiences in Pirates of the Caribbean and Love Actually, as well as that perfume advert where she wears a mac and gazes wistfully into middle distance.

The duo – who recently announced that they were splitting from their hosts due to ‘artistic differences’ – rejected an approach from Rachel Riley’s arse.

'It’s a lovely arse', said Farrell’s eyebrows. 'If I wasn’t just a pair of eyebrows I’d be up there like a rat up a pipe, but it doesn’t have the range we’re looking for. I’d like to see it in a romcom, maybe a dark tragicomedy set in Bruges or rural Ireland, something artistic like that.'

Keira Knightley’s chin was unable to comment on Rachel Riley’s arse as arse envy isn’t one of its emotions, though it did pout prettily for no apparent reason.

Image by Stable Diffusion