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Biden to use Time Dilation effect to slow down ageing process



Joe Biden has announced that he will conduct his second term as President in a spaceship travelling at the speed of light.


'President Biden will effectively not age', a spokesman said. 'So all those Republicans saying he would be 86 at the end of his Presidential term are spreading fake news'.


The next US Presidential election is a contest to choose the best American out of a population of just 330 million. Some observers have expressed mild surprise that the two best Americans in 2024 are likely to be the same ones who competed in 2020 - Joe Biden and Donald Trump. There are also plans to send Donald Trump into space but that’s just to save on prison bills.


Physicists have pointed out that if President Biden can be accelerated to the speed of light none of his messages will return to Earth, which would be a shame. On the plus side, after four years of travel at light speed President Biden could visit Alpha Centauri.


Genealogists are working on his family tree to see if they can dig up any Alpha Centaurians he could claim as ancestors. It won’t matter much to Biden – he never really knows where he is anyway.



Chutney Use Risen Alarmingly In Men Over Sixty

The use of chutney by men over sixty has reached epidemic proportions recently with many reporting using half a jar in a week. Chutney experts warn that at this time of year the British Isles are flooded with the tangy sticky temptation. Appearing at harvest festivals and presented as a treat in Christmas hampers it’s hard for those who want to say no to the spiced sauce that often appears innocuously in a little jar under a gingham hat.

Self-confessed chutney aficionado Don Brown spoke to us about his long term heavy chutney habit and how he got started. “I was about fifty-five, which is a common age for men to get interested in chutney. We were at a farmer’s market and there were free samples of tomato chutney and red onion chutney on crackers so I had a nibble and I said to our Marjory “That’d be just the ticket with a bit of cheese, what do you think?” and the farmer whose crackers I was nibbling looked hopeful and so we bought a jar of the red onion. All the way home I was wishing I’d bought the tomato too, I think I was hooked from the start to some degree”.

Asked for her opinion Marjory commented “It’s hard to find room in the fridge with all the half used jars of chutney. As you know, no-one ever finishes a whole jar of chutney, instead at the half way point they open a different one for a new thrill. We’ve got seven jars on the go! Nowadays he puts it on everything, without even tasting it first. My sticky toffee pudding is not in need of anything extra when I bring it to the table”.

Don replied “Stop pretending we eat at the table just because we’re being interviewed, we eat in front of the telly so we don’t miss Bargain Hunt on those nice lap trays with chickens on we got in Bourton On The Water”.

Marjory told us that it was when Don went to an allotment shop in the next county that she realised he might have a problem. Don was unable to comment, he’d been distracted reading online reviews of hot gooseberry chutney and was considering a trip to a supermarket that wasn’t their usual to score some.

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