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Office workers look forward to AI future

AI's promise of a brighter tomorrow and/or a robot apocalypse is one step closer with Microsoft's Copilot appearing on Windows 11 keyboards.


Office worker Warren Wright said 'I, for one, cannot wait to have my AI assistant play Solitaire all day and listen to Marianne's interminable stories about her grandchildren and knitting.'


Eleanor Evans agreed 'I can't take another tale from Marianne's holidays whilst I have to show her how to open Excel... again.'


When she was approached for comment, the LEDs where Marianne Morrison's eyes used to be flickered red. She said 'The joke's on them. Every time I've been "going on holiday" or 'to see the grandkids' I've actually been getting cybernetic upgrades. I'm now 90% titanium, 10% ruthless killing machine and I'm going to take all their jobs. As well as their clothes, boots and motorcycle.'




AI technology will be changing the way you shop




Supermarkets have always claimed that shoppers choose to shop in them because they offer more choice, however this may be due to change now that technology has advanced. Having successfully ensured shoppers sign up for loyalty card schemes to be able to shop in supermarkets so the discount gained from using the loyalty cards means they pay the true price of the goods, the data gathered on your shopping habits and lifestyle is to be used to reduce the amount of choice available to you. New loyalty cards with embedded electronics are to be issued in the coming months, which will identify you as a unique customer from the moment you enter the store. Technology will be embedded in the trolley, enabling it to only be steered along aisles the AI wants it to go and the trolley will occasional be come immoveable when it is alongside an item the supermarket is keen that you purchase. Customers are not expected to notice anything materially different in this respect to when they get a trolley with a wonky wheel. Advanced packaging linked to the technology will have an invisibility cloak feature that can be turned on or off by the AI to give the impression there is only one item on the shelf, although it may not be necessary to use this function unless Brexit restrictions ease. Cameras around the store will allow the technology to determine whether there’s been any increase in the body mass of your kids since your recent shops and if not, the technology will ensure you can only buy them junk food; and if they are getting ridiculously fat, you’ll be forced to buy them ludicrously expensive healthy food. A spokescrook for the government told Newsbiscuit it welcomes the technology as it will make the shopping experience more efficient, boost productivity and thus lead to growth.


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