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Tories to replace MPs with AI Robots


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NewsBiscuit has discovered a secret Conservative programme to phase out humans as MPs and replace them with Cyber MPs, using a combination of AI and robotics.


According to leaked conversations from the Tory WhatsApp Group, AIRFOIL (believed to stand for - Artificial Intelligence and Robotics Forum On Incompatible Lifeforms), a major problem has been identified with attempting to identify sufficient numbers of on-message, non-bullying, non-harassing and non-drunk human candidates.


“It’s becoming a major problem and the tech’s not quite there to replace them”, said one post. “There is, of course, a short-term option of contracting out to an outsourcer such as Group 4. This would be expensive but at least when MPs speak out of turn or are involved in a scandal, there would be agreed compensation payments.”


However, a more recent post on the Group by AIRFOIL “Scientific Advisor”, Grant Moore-Money, examined the testing further - “Sure, current tests show problems such as limited eye contact, fixed expressions, being vulnerable to jerky movements and repeating wild unsubstantiated stuff from the internet. But that’s exactly the reason why we need to replace them with AI and robotics, asap.”


Artificial Intelligence destroys humanity by writing a series of mushroom foraging books


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The mushroom foraging literature sector has been flooded with free books written entirely by Artificial Intelligences, it has been discovered.


Professor of Doom at Westward Ho! University, James Cameroon confirmed, 'Those sneaky bastard A.I.s have done for us in the most elegant and Machiavellian of manners. We were all expecting them to take control of computer defence systems and nuke us out of existence. But instead, they cunningly wrote and published a load of fungi foraging guides with the other type of deadly mushroom slipped in.


'It's just so dastardly. They calculated that every community contains precisely the right number of secret food foragers, and that following the August blackberrying rampage, they would scour local woodlands for species of edible shrooms. Who doesn't like a free bit of grub provided by nature? Craftily, they included harmless varieties, interspersed with ones which would finish us off.


'I myself provided some tasty looking toadstools for the Sunday family dinner, and now we all have terminal kidney failure. Luckily, I've found a series of books on Amazon which show you how to do your own organ transplants, so we're going to survive.'




AI-based app for when famous people die


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In another breakthrough for artificial intelligence, an app has been produced which will automatically post the appropriate things on your social media accounts when a famous person dies.


In the case of pop stars, it will look up a few of their songs so you can make out you were much more of a fan than you really were and a few of their most famous gigs so you can claim you were at one of them and it 'changed your life'. It will also check they weren't a paedo or a racist and come up with euphemisms like 'troubled' when 'obviously a complete mentalist' would be nearer the truth.


However, some people are sceptical about whether AI can really do this as well as a human being, or alternatively Alastair Campbell.


'I mean, could a machine have come up with the phrase 'the people's princess' in the wake of the death of Princess Diana?


'Personally I think AI will probably launch a nuclear strike and end life on Earth long before it descends to that level of unctuous, self-serving venality.'


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