NHS to emulate ‘zero customers: 100% target’ triumph of air travel industry

Hard-pressed NHS services are planning to follow the lead of British Airways and Heathrow Airport, where restricting would-be holidaymakers to a holding pattern 30 miles from the nearest runway has led to an impressively improved (non)customer experience through check-in and security.

‘It came to me on an attempted weekend break to Nice,’ explained NHS Head of Logistics Tom Reduced-Means. ‘After what we thought was a very reasonable 9 hours queuing outside Gatwick short stay, we realised we were simply orbiting Bluewater Shopping Centre. Thinking we might as well try there, we enjoyed a lovely weekend sunning ourselves in the Build-A-Bear store window.

‘Returning home so refreshed gave me the idea. Who wants to spend 12 hours in an idling Bedford Bambi outside A&E, followed by 3 days on a corridor trolley being elbowed by every gasping cadaver being turned back from theatre for the fifth time? Much nicer for anorexia patients to be redirected to a nearby Harvester, or melanoma sufferers to their local tanning salon, where they can enjoy a lovely break getting upbeat texts celebrating the zero minutes’ waiting time and, possibly linked but equally inspiring, 0% death rate at their local hospital.

‘It means missing the final joy of a hospital stay - revengefully bedblocking past all recovery and decency - but if initial trials go well, we may let Priority Patience customers into hospital lobbies to marvel at the archaic pricing in the cobwebbed Boots concession - still 800% above current inflation! Those upgrading to Very Outpatient Premium can hang about the cracked concrete forecourt to their hearts’ content.

‘With no staff or patients, people-watching opportunities will be somewhat reduced: no dead-eyed, dressing-gowned wraiths clutching a drip stand and greedily forcing a Berkeley Menthol through their tracheostomy. But fishing dog ends out of the gutter still makes for a smashing day out, with a lovely souvenir to distract from your suppurating spleen.’

First published 17 Aug 2022

www.newsbiscuit.com

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Boeing to use 'much stronger glue' in future

Following the fallout (literally) of an emergency door from a Boeing plane in flight, the company has pledged to use 'much stronger glue' when building their planes in future.

'We’d been using the glue that comes with Airfix models,' explained Boeing CEO Dave Nosedive today. 'I mean, they’re planes too, right?

'Then we noticed the small print on the box said "This is a non-working model, obviously you can’t use the same glue for real planes, you utter morons." So between that and the news stories about our planes falling out of the sky, we realised we needed a rethink.'

Nosedive said he sent his Head of Procurement, Steve Tightwad, down to WHSmith to see what they had. 'He came back with an own brand, all purpose glue that was pretty che… I mean, cost efficient. Doesn’t specifically say it can be used on metal, but it’s probably OK.'

Despite this, Nosedive was summoned to a meeting of angry shareholders in New York, with the specific instruction he should fly there on a plane made by someone else.

Image: Justin Lim (@justinlim) | Unsplash Photo Community