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Following an incident in 1986, when soldiers closing in on a terrifying alien were told they couldn’t fire their rifles and sarcastically replied “So what are we supposed to use, harsh language?”, the alien has complained that harsh language was indeed used.


Frequently breaking down in tears in the witness box, the homicidal xenomorph told the court that the soldiers said some very mean things, from which it has never quite recovered emotionally.


”I mean, I know I killed lots of humans, and used others as living hosts for my young to gradually consume from the inside before bursting out of their chests. But that’s no reason to be hurtful. Words have consequences.”


In other news, the media seem much more interested in what a musician said about the IDF than the fact that the IDF has killed 57,000 innocent civilians.




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Manchester United’s owners have boasted that the futuristic mega structure that will become their new stadium will allow '100,000 people watch some desperately mediocre football for many years to come'.


One Manchester United fan said 'I personally cannot wait for teams like Accrington Stanley and the Dog and Duck Second XI to play in a stadium that is primarily a shopping centre and yet somehow also visible from space.'


'Manchester City might get relegated because of Financial Fair Play rules. United will get relegated the old fashioned way.'


Zuflaxizog, the pilot of a passing alien spaceship, fumed 'There is a lot of space debris around the Earth these days. Mostly footballs from errant Manchester United strikers. Hey, what’s the massive red circus tent? '


Photo by Nat Callaghan on Unsplash

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