World could run out of Americans by 2030 warns UN

Scientists at the UN have come to the worrying conclusion that Americans face extinction by Americans.

‘If Americans carry on like this, there’s not going to be enough of them to go round,’ said Secretary-General António Guterres.

We were already concerned that a drop in sperm count could drastically affect numbers. Evidence suggests this has been exacerbated by giving lunatics handguns, although it’s more likely to be down to the untimely demise of Ivana Trump.

'Across Europe, tourist industry chiefs have been reporting a dramatic drop in tourists asking stupid questions such as, ‘When will Sherlock Holmes be back? Why do they speak French in Paris,’ and ‘can a semi-automatic assault rifle hurt people?’

‘It’s a massive problem,’ said Mr Guterres. ‘Americans are basically shooting themselves in the foot, or anywhere else, come to think of it.’

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Boss quibbles over maternity leave, but not your abortion

Pro-choicers in the United States have found an unusual ally, in corporations who normally think the Gender Pay Gap is a clothing chain. Said one cynical CEO: 'Yes, we'll be making a saving on maternity cover but... nope, that's it really. There's probably some ethical thingy as well, but it's really about those margins.

'We're 100% behind a woman's right to choose. As long as they choose long hours, no pensions and low pay.' Asked if they would be increasing their contributions to employee health insurance, the CEO coughed: 'Who are we to deny someone the right to death.'

Spike in cot sales as 'compassionate' anti-abortion victors welcome responsibilities

Republicans, vilifiers and hypocrites across all the states who consider reciting “footprints in the sand” a reliable form of contraception are demonstrating their commitment to ‘every life matters’ by opening their lives and McMansions to thousands of unwanted babies.

'It’s only right, drawled Ohio Senator’s wife Mindy Windfall, her arms full of Pottery Barn bassinets. 'Having forced millions of women into the physical and emotional distress of carrying babies they are in no position to raise to an unimaginably traumatic full term, we accept it’s our responsibility to care for them after that.

'I myself am hopin’ to be assigned some premature babies complete with prenatal drug dependency; possible severe developmental issues due to familial rape. I think that’ll be just peachy.'

Other charitable matrons from newly-formed women’s group ‘Republican Visionaries In Landmark Empathy’ (ReVILE) are already rolling up their couture sleeves and taking direct action in “invigorating” deprived neighbourhoods like Millington, Tennessee, and Wooster, Arkansas.

'It’s only fair we downsize some of our privilege to help women access a smidgeon of the education, resources, healthcare, respect, self-worth and agency we take for granted - gosh, that is quite a list, isn’t it?' pondered charity polo supremo Ginny Blueblood, delicately picking her way between bloodied syringes and lost hope. 'It’ll be tough, but my husband and I can probably manage with 25 rooms instead of 75. I think that kind of sacrifice will really help us empathise with these ladies’ situations.

'Sadly, Bob was called away to pick up his secretary. She’s devoted to him; confidentially, I think all those late-night meetings have given her that cute bit o' belly-fat. He says those couple of days away at the health farm have worked wonders. Originally it was conveniently just out of town, but due to administrative complications he had to take her over the border. Luckily there was a private airfield: the Good Lord provides.'

Image from Pixabay by MarkThomas

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