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Vet decides to put Rishi out of his misery

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Having taken one look at the Prime Minister's election campaign, the decision was made to end his suffering and the suffering of the voting public. Said the vet: 'Clearly, he's been run over by his own campaign bus and then mauled by a pack of hungry journalists. You can see in his eyes he's given up. It's a kindness to put him sleep, by sending him to the Lords.'


We can all remember Rishi in younger days, when he used chase his own tail and lick Boris Johnson's balls. He liked nothing more than to race after a culture war and follow it down a internet rabbit hole. But that wet-nosed MP is no more and all we have is mangy old mutt, with only his Ministers to bag up the $hit he leaves behind.


The vet explained: 'As you can see, his policies are all festering, his strategy reeks and his core support is just about to drop off. His quality of life in the last weeks of the campaign, is just going to painful and embarrassing. He deserves a dignified exit, something in keeping with his term as Prime Minister – so I suggest we fire him out of a confetti canon, straight into the White Cliffs of Dover.'


Wild Swimming combines with Assisted Dying

In a legislative mash-up, the government has realised the quickest way to end life is to drink some of Thames Water. A doctor observed: 'Rather than take your Nan to a Swiss Clinic, you can just drop her off the pier at Brighton.'


Wild Swimming in the UK's polluted waterways is now technically an act of self-harm. The terminally are to be encouraged to scuba in sewage, with shrouds to be replaced with speedos. Grieving relatives can then pay their respects and feed the ducks at the same time.


Frustratingly death by ingesting bacteria-infused water, is agonisingly long, involving shit going in one end and coming out the other. 'Trust me, drowning is the least of your worries.'




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