In a legislative mash-up, the government has realised the quickest way to end life is to drink some of Thames Water. A doctor observed: 'Rather than take your Nan to a Swiss Clinic, you can just drop her off the pier at Brighton.'
Wild Swimming in the UK's polluted waterways is now technically an act of self-harm. The terminally are to be encouraged to scuba in sewage, with shrouds to be replaced with speedos. Grieving relatives can then pay their respects and feed the ducks at the same time.
Frustratingly death by ingesting bacteria-infused water, is agonisingly long, involving shit going in one end and coming out the other. 'Trust me, drowning is the least of your worries.'